Live, Laugh, Love

Respect is the highest form of honor endowed on us. I have observed and learned, respect is paramount in life. My own interpretation of respect begins with self-respect. It is the ability to maintain a graceful attitude towards myself and asserting calmness. Self-respect is to live with myself every moment in a loving state. Extending kindness to my being and accepting my own idiosyncrasies. In short, self-respect is to nurture my inner self in every way that will create equilibrium in my thoughts and actions.

Self-respect is to drop anger and stop hurting myself, and in the event, inflicting pain on others. It is valuing my own true worth and happiness. It means to eat, live, love and laugh wholeheartedly. It means to relate with constant respectfulness without segregating right and wrong. Relating without being respectful is demeaning and a depletion of life's energy. After all relating is an integral part of life and through it, I learn and experience the importance of respecting others. At times, the mouth wants to spit out the nastiness, but is held back because of respect. Respecting others is to take into considerations that their self-worth is as important as my own. It is futile to utter a disrespectful comment, what do I gain other than to satisfy the ego? The ego aspect is so senseless, so fake, so unreal. It is not my true self. It is the sheer emptiness of inner discontent that is exerted unconsciously. The reliance of the ego to validate my well being is a delusional phenomenon.

Responsibility for all my actions is necessary so that I do not blame others for my plight! It is a form of respect of my actions and take responsibility of them. It means to stop finding justifications for any uneventful occurrences and making myself a victim. Taking responsibility of my own action is the first step towards emancipation. The target is myself. There is no need to shoot the arrow somewhere else. When I have the courage to make myself responsible for my own actions, I am free to find my own solution and confront the consequences.

Life is experiential and has to be lived to the fullest and be the best in all endeavors! The antidote to Live, Laugh and Love is self-respect. I am my own happiness and misery, and no one else is responsible for them. Only I am.

Et Voilà

When I examined the choices I made, that led me to be where I am today, I wondered how and why I made those decisions. I did not have an answer for a few of my major life's decisions but only knew then that my unspoken beloved heart must be freed. Challenging the mind is futile because the mind always has an answer to every doubt which is basically a hypothesis. It will remain untrue due to its speculative nature. Without experimentation, it is only a mental foreplay. How unsavory is that?

The stakes of my major decisions were high. It entailed losing security, inflicting pain and agony, dismantling bond permanently, inducing logistical inconveniences, confronting discomfort zone, just to name a few. From these experiences, I realize the cruciality of listening to my inner voice. It is a sacred vacuum that deserves undivided attention. It serves as a balanced score card. It alerts me if I am suffering immensely due to the state of non-awareness. It is pure. It wants the best for me. It wants me to live life as it should be lived. Sufferings are inevitable. I am the only one who has the authority to either cling on to it or let it go. I can allow either energy to reside within me. Thus far, I realize that I am unafraid of uncertainty. I realize that life is not a punctuation. At any moment, things can change. In any form of adversity, it is only a temporary question mark. As long as I continue to trust and enjoy my current state of being,  the future will unfold in front of me.

Having realized that, I also asked myself frequently why all my decisions were so drastic? What was the impetus that pushed me to the extreme? My latest decision to quit my job was a case that I was suffering morning, noon and night. So were/are the rest in the same company. For me, it peaked to a point that enough was enough. Why I could not continue to suffer? Why I could not close one eye and shut the other? Why I could not resume to be a working zombie for the sake of financial security? Why would I let go of my untouchable status within the organization? Isn't suffering better than nothing? At least I would have a talking point with colleagues and friends.

There is a limit to everything including patience and suffering. I have compromised myself too many times. Each time, people learned that I could be exploited because I compromised. I was too nice! There is no need to help exploiters even though they are kind. This vicious cycle has no limits. To live in a compromised state is to be disrespectful to myself. Now I realize that my self-respect championed all my decisions. This is because I refuse to exist even for a single moment in compromise. Only I can put a stop to it. Only I can discontinue my suffering by doing something. Life is not meant to be a suffering. I should rejoice with life. Et voilà, what a discovery!

Fear

She was almost apologetic as she answered her phone. Perhaps she felt that it was too inconsiderate to speak inside a carriage full of unfamiliar faces. What would they think of her? Her head was pointing downwards as she spoke but raising her eyes constantly to look around her. She could not talk the way she would have even though no one was actually looking at her, or taken notice that she was on the phone.

I am able to relate with her behavior. The preconceived hypothesis that would immediately formulate when faced with a situation with anyone at any given time! Like the lady, I would not stop strangers to ask for direction to my destination. I imagined that I would be disruptive and be inconvenient to them. This was my "reality". The truth is that my imagination is meaningless because it is a mind game. It would not turn into action. It remains a myth. Self-created stress is the catalyst of my imagination.

Lately, it struck again. I was fearful that my assignment did not meet expectation. I was stressed as to how the outcome of my work would be reviewed. I spent many hours preparing myself to the point of exhaustion. In essence, it left me in a stupor. If I had made time to pause, I would have realized that stress was perching on my shoulders. My mind was swinging like a pendulum on a loose pivot waiting for a free fall. 

In reality, it was not an assignment. No one was going to judge me or rate my work. No one was going to reprimand me if I did not finish my part, as I was not expected to. I imagined them all and inflicted upon myself, unwarranted pressure. The cause of it all was fear. It was the greed to be flawless.

I managed to regain my composure and dropped all my fear before my deadline. I re-structured my work and re-framed my mind. When the actual day came to present my work, I was in fine feather. All went well indeed. Of course none of what I imagined happened! 

Fear is potent. It distorts the present because it is busy focusing into the future. Fear is the absence of trust. I realize that I lack trust. Trust is knowing that all is well and will be well even though the current situation does not seem to be congruent to the ordinary mind!

When my "assignment" did not seem to be moving along well, I did not have trust. I was uptight and let the energy of fear and stress take over. I am still learning to recognize my fear and only through it, will I transcend and live in trust. 

Delusional Citizens

Shared a news report on income inequality with friends  in the country (Singapore) I used to call home. The report is a prelude to another report which is due to be published tomorrow. It highlights the poverty in Singapore.

How could this be possible? The country is considered as one of the richest in the world, one of the costliest to live in, and one that has the highest GDP per capita. To the world, it is an exemplary self-made nation that has created its wealth based on zero natural resources. The combined fiscal and economic policy has successfully transformed the red dot nation to become one of the world's most attractive power-house for global investors.

Precisely, how could it be possible? However, the Gini coefficeint which measures income inequality states otherwise, Over the last 10 years, the rate has increased at a greater speed than those of the developed nations. The rich have grown richer exponentially but the poor remain the same. The reporter put poverty into context by illustrating that the poor still can be found selling packets of tissue paper outside food centers.

My dear friend did not accept the "metaphor". She proclaimed that the author has been grossly misled and misinformed about selling tissue paper as a sign of poverty! I almost choked at the response when she said the article is not worth OUR time analyzing it!

Clearly, she missed the broader view of the report which is about income inequality in a "wealthy country". What is the government doing to eradicate this social issue? She is one example of a Singaporean living in delusion that poverty is not a noun to be used to describe Singapore. How many others think the same as her? I dare not imagine! If the majority opinion prevails, the government will continue to neglect the living poor. The vicious cycle continues and the delusional mindset becomes an embedded character in future generations.

She reminds me of a frog living in a well. The magnitude of arrogance is exacerbated by ignorance. The inculcated arrogance does not allow a closed minded person to see Singapore in a negative spotlight. Despite external published report that has validated the condition or situation, an ignorant person chooses to remain clueless. A deluded person disregards the fact and is blinded by the existing living conditions of the poor, which is the reality.

It is utter selfishness to live in oblivion and becoming immune to the conditions of others. To only accept societal norms imposed by culture or institutions is an injustice to our intellect. Our intellect is far more capable of drawing insights as to what is real based on what we see. If only we choose to use it optimally. Its function is pivotal and it influences our choices. We must not let self-deception permeate our being.

Spring in the Fall

Crisp autumn leaves strewn all over the streets like a tie dyed carpet. Oblivious to the noise of the automobiles and the bolting footsteps of trespassers. Minding their own business and waiting for any mode of transport to bring them to another place.

Leaves are selfless.
Leaves grow.
Leaves fall.
Leaves fight not.

They reach out to the sun to make shelter. They withstand the rain and the wind with no complaint. They drop to the harshness of the earth when it is their time of the season. Their existence is the ultimate acceptance of mother nature. Their state is choiceless. Their life is momentary. Spring welcomes the beginning of life. Fall simply embraces death.

My Spring begins in the fall. I made it to the first step towards realizing a dream of a lifetime. I used to be so aimless in most aspects of my life. I lived in my "none of my business" world. I indulged in soliloquy. I was disinterested in pursuing goals. Could not be bothered about achievements. I became intellectually lazy. On the contrary, I knew I had to grow to become a better person. I followed my heart although I did not know what lay ahead, only knew that it could not be worse than where I was. Life is too short to fear taking risk. The unknown is life's mystery. To try to know the unknown, is a misery.

I am blessed that now I am inspired to learn ceaselessly everyday. The revival of my curiosity is the stepping stone to want to know more of a subject. Learning feeds the soul. It heightens the intellect. It cultivates confidence. It is the engine to challenge ourselves to defy our perceived limitations and to become the best we can be.  

Relationship Indebtedness

Recently I have been mulling over the precepts of Buddhism in Mandarin. I am thankful that I understand the written language as certain proverbs are so apt that translation would fail to expound the depth of it.

I wrote some of these down and pasted the stickies on the wall. When I dug deeper as to why I am reading all the precepts about the existence of life, I realize I am deeply bothered by the behavior of people. I am baffled when I fail to rationalize from the specific behavior. I am disgusted when verbal deliverance is abused without action.

My fanatical mind sees only from my perspective. I tried to see the whole relating. What factors influenced such behavior? Had I allowed such behavior to surface? What are the cost-benefit in our relationship in terms peace and pain? How much do I value "us" to be willing to let my my stupidity go? The greater I value 'us", the easier it is for me to dispel my annoyance with others. It is the extent of the relationship indebtedness. It is the decision maker based on a calculated analysis. Then I have to use my heart to feel whether I agree with the decision maker device. I adopted the precepts of Buddhism in Mandarin, as a tool to open up my heart which has been possessed by my mind.

Our relationship with people is based on the need to relate to people so as to grow individually. In the course of life, when we meet good people, we must feel grateful for their grace. For rascals that we meet, they are brought to us to teach us that painful experiences are paramount to the existence of life. Indeed, pain is life's greatest teacher. A tit for a tat is the most evil punishment we can impose onto ourselves. Love and hate will dissipate when death knocks! In the end, it simply does not matter!

How about love? How do we know love is? When is that enlightened moment when we realize the deeper meaning of love? How much do we want to sacrifice for others? How many white lies we need to make to avoid hurting others? How much we value the relating that we want to submerge our spiteful tongue from drawing out the sword of evil words? How many times we want to betray the trust but strive relentlessly to uphold it in a vacuum just because we have given our words of promise to the graveyard?

I have learned about love albeit the hard way. Moving forward, I finally know what love is. It is hard to rise in love, but it is possible by giving attention to it. I choose to live in a way that I know and yet do not know. I know it and yet do not utter it. My silence will let others ponder who I am.

Tomorrow

It is such an irony that time awaits nobody and yet most of us are inclined to wait for the right time to do something. The right time which has a futuristic connotation, might take forever to come. Tomorrow is a second chance that if we are lucky, we may live it. In reality, either way may happen.

In retrospect, I have let tomorrow be the victim of my laziness. Fatigue became my default motivation towards my sluggishness. Lethargy was a stubborn overcast that would not dissipate.

Eight weeks have passed since the day I officially walked away. I have a list of tasks awaiting to be accomplished with external deadlines. In the course of time, I have learned not to be disgruntled by necessary evil - just do it and get it out of the way. The sweetness of immediate action is to prevent bricks of thoughts from ramping up that prevent me from crossing the finishing line.

I am most proud of a personal spa agenda which I started to indulge diligently for the last 8 weeks.  I realized that I have become skin-deep. I was estranged from my skin and body care products. They looked immaculate in a chest of drawers when I was packing my personal stuff away. My eyes were illuminated. Remorsefulness overwhelmed me. I have done myself a disservice through procrastination. It was not about vanity and beauty. It was despising my lackadaisical approach that "I will use it tomorrow", just because I surrendered to sheer fatigue at every moment. I live today in hope of tomorrow.  My body goes through the motion of the day but my mind thinks about the hope(s) of the future. The superfluous pursuit in purchasing and hoarding the purchases revealed an entrenched habit that trespasses sensibility.

My own realization of the vulnerability of tomorrow spurs me to keep moving forward now. Just like a ripened fruit does not cling to the vine, I must let go of past errors or anyone else's. Every moment has to be lived as if it is the last. Rejuvenate the positive and stop fighting the negative. It is paramount to capture life fully and live authentically. I am blessed that my tomorrow came in time for me to reconnect to my body essentials. It is a simple and effortless application with gradual recovery.

Anew

All is in harmony for me thus far. Not needing or wanting anything in particular.  Peace reigns in my being.  Meeting and knowing new people.  While learning new skills and having had a few "ah ha" moments, I realized I have been doing many things the wrong way.  Ignorance is indeed costly. It also dawned on me as to how I have denied myself growth because of long period of isolation and not tuning myself into my environment.  I let the external environment dictate too many choices which were to have subsequently influenced who I have become.  To follow like a muzzled dog is easy.  It becomes an ingrained lifestyle habit.  The mind becomes blunt, untrained to think critically and creatively.  However, the outfit of the mind can be redesigned with  contours that accentuate leaner thoughts.  Like any tool, it can be sharpened. The mind and I can become glorious assets if we relate with the right figures. 

The journey with my re-constructed mind started by first changing my environment.  I weaned myself away from people with whom I have been involved closely with for years.  The closeness was a derivative from the need to connect with others within a very small community.  I did not enjoy listening to endless updates about what was going on with the lives of people that I did not even know!  I gave my time away to useless deeds for a significant period of time.  I did not have the courage to hurt people. It was easier to waste my own time.  Guilt would be the consequence of that act.  I was not choosy and became incidental.  The truth of the matter is that some relationships do need to die.  There is no right and wrong to this.  When relationships merely exist, they are not worth my treasure.  Life is too short to be surrounded by people and activities that emit toxins and bereave personal growth.  It is better to be alone in silence than to be a somnambulistic stand-alone in a crowd. It is better to sleep and rest than to be engaged in weary conversations. 

I have now learned to be choosy and deliberate.  I let relationships go.  I let possessions go.  I am free from clutter. The incremental steps taken from changing my environment, cutting off relationships, to finally quitting my job,  has transformed my thoughts as to how I want my life to be. I have the power to make it lighter and brighter. I  am starting anew.  Having moved away from a miserable ghetto and am now ready to embrace an array of psychedelic experiences.  It is an intimate choice!

My Takeaway

No words can convey a message more profoundly than the picture below.  This is a reminder of our reckless pursuits that wreck our conscience for the rest of our life.
 



Recently, I used this metaphor to express my distaste of a clinical email received from an ex-co-worker.  I am learning again!  How could I not expect such a thing to happen (my common exclamation)? Why am I so constantly astonished by the acts of idiots?  In reality, it is not their fault when they act this way. But my ignorance to expect less of their contemptuous behavior.  Dealing with people who are perpetually tuned to survival mode level, needs self-reflection and awareness. Pause is necessary in times of adversity.  It rejuvenates me to my own center.  I try to convert my negative energy into creativity when I have to tackle the unsavory situation.  It is a common story of corporate bitterness and reclaiming their last word when a key employee leaves abruptly.  I am thankful for this experience which allowed me respond thus:

 "You are taking away only some money that rightfully belongs to me. You are welcome to it if it pleases you and if it helps to push you one notch up the ladder.  You know it is dirty money and will haunt you for the rest of you life.  We answer our deeds to the higher authority.  It is a fact that I exceeded by 5 days (not 6) of my vacation days last year. But it is a truth that you promised to reinstate and was already approved.  And yet, you allowed your venomous pretense to emerge with the tune from the snake charmer's flute.

To you, I want to say, protect your conscience consciously.  You chose to be the photographer fixated on your lens.  The person I know would have picked up my phone calls, and also called me and explained her predicament to me.  Not the pseudo person in avoidance that I have experienced since my departure from the company, when you did not respond to my message.  Instead I received an officious note.  I considered you a friend and you let me down.  I am overjoyed that I am done with you. I do not have to live my working life in an amputated-spirit environment of a somnambulist.  I have a meaningful and bountiful future ahead. I wish you all the best and that you get all that you deserve in this life and after.

I can tell you with authority that I am at peace with myself.  I walk away untethered and fearless without needing to seek forgiveness from the highest realm.  You have your recourse of going to your church(es) and cleansing your sins multiple times in a week.  You can espouse your religious ideals, by reaching out to help people in need by doing charitable acts.  However religion starts inside and manifests into humanity from the inner. True religion awakens us."

I have learned again that no one can take away my state of joy.  Not getting what is rightfully mine does not make me a loser.  Harboring vindictiveness against an unaware person is hoping that a blind person can use the lamp to see. 

Detachment

I was never a person to give things away.  Neither was I a person that would spend on others.  In essence, my internal battle of becoming worse off by giving always won.  It did not occur to me that giving is healing. It took many years to learn how to reciprocate to generosity.  Logic, calculations and expectations are not part of it.  The inherent good feeling arising from giving is total thankfulness and lightheartedness! 

When my apartment became furniture free, I was not devoid of any remorse, all alone in the empty space of the apartment.  In reality, I enjoyed the sacred emptiness of tranquility.  The stillness of space resonated so well with my state of being. Just BE. 

When it was time to go through all my belongings, it was a challenge indeed.  How should I use discernment to distinguish the worthy and the non-worthy? What does each of my personal belonging mean to me? All this time, it was not necessary to dispose them as the space was there, and there was no impetus to review my cumulative inventory! Confronted with time, space and budget, I shortlisted items that have high start-up cost in terms of time and money, and items that were not easily re-purchasable.  Basically, a list of items that I actually need and are still useful to me now and will be later!  If I had consciously made an effort to review the things around me, I would have lesser clutter.  The space would open the door to reinforce my own center and be contented. 

It was a great realization to know that I will always have enough and in abundance. But I fell prey to greed and non-awareness and kept accumulating things. After all, if I cut the umbilical cord of importance on possessions, there will be no life growing out of it. I have finally detached from my many possessions. Detachment is freedom of the highest degree. The feeling of unencumbered mobility is simply expressionless in words. It is time to draw out the master key and stop searching for duplicates to substitute the meaningfulness of life. I have learned again, life is to be lived!

Walking Away

The first two weeks of August passed outside my comfort zone. I made work my life and stayed within the familiarity of my external surroundings, the regular type of conversations with colleagues, and the habitual type of interactions with customers, and the predictable type of communications with civil servants.  Executing such tasks is not difficult, as they become an embedded daily routine. 

I decided to walk away abruptly from it all. That is the only way to go considering the circumstances I have been put through.  It was my choice to make a quick exit. I was persuaded to reconsider my decision, and even to make a smooth transition with many lucrative offers.  But this time, there was no compromise. I listened to what they had to say but did not allow any of them to sway me from my firm decision.  This time, it is all about me.  I made it that way.  However, I was perturbed by one remark received - "I am ESCAPING".

I pondered about this verb thrown in  my face.  I deliberated as to how I handled myself in such situations when I had to make unlikeable decisions. At the same time, I was also enlightened by the misrepresentation made by the other person, who obviously had done a hear-say analysis.  How could he know more than what I had to go through?  And how could he feel and know my reality?

My unlikeable decision benefited me in its entirety. It was a manifestation of years of tolerance and patience with my toxic environment.  To the person who believed I was escaping, he knew so little.  I am only a very tiny part of the vast universe. When the time came to act, the universe helped me boundlessly.  It cleared away the gravestones and let me walk away steadily with dignity. 

My deep self-respect prohibits me from prolonging my sufferings, and wasting my time in meaningless activities and "zombifying" me. I want to live life with meaningful pursuits which will empower me to become a better human being.  To know that it is achievable, makes nothing impossible, for I am possible!

I am FREE

Imagine clocking 12 hours a day without any lunch break, or any other breaks.  Imagine a weekly schedule which does not incorporate any exercise regime.  Imagine weekends spent.  Imagine working during weekends.  Imagine work preoccupying your life and perpetuating for almost 3.5 years.  Imagine the few witnesses of this plight are in a state of oblivion.

I do not need to imagine. I lived it. How can life be meaningful when work and sleep become the only two routines in a day?  I know work is a necessary evil, but I have decided to bury the evil. I quit. I decided not to hang in there and continue suffering the unreasonableness.  I reached my breaking point and decided that I have had enough. Disrespectfulness became an acceptable attitude and I cannot tolerate it. Blamefulness became so prevailing, let alone any sign of appreciation. My inner soul is bleeding and eroding away day by day.  I simply cannot live in a compromised state.  It is either all or nothing.  I was not flowering.

Now I am free. I want to spend time with myself.  I want to grow through learning and knowledge. I want a life that relates to my surroundings, to the people who care and love me.

I need to let go more.
I need to laugh more.
I need to dance more.
I need to live more.
I need to love more. 
I need to write more.
I need to create more.
I need to let go of idiots more! 

They clear my eyes, and give me clarity. I have a whole lot to be thankful for. 

 

Self Awareness

We cannot see ourselves. Our sensory organs allow us to connect only outwards. With the eyes we see outwards, with the eyes we hear outwards, with the mouth we speak outwards.

I am told that we can see inwards and hear inwards too. I am working hard to see myself and hear myself.  This is quite a challenge.  It is so hard to debate with logic and rationalization. We will never win the mind.

Our mind makes use of our eyes and ears to interpret in our own terms what we see and hear, although the reality could be something else, if we only care to pause. Until we can rupture the mind, it will consume us.  In the face of adversity, our veil of blindness encrypted by stubbornness prevents us from seeing what is.

Naturally, I have those fighting moments.  I feel unjustly treated, I feel annoyed, I feel I am always right,  and I have done my utmost.  I only see from my point of view although it takes two hands to clap.  My latest moment of truth disgusted me and caused me to repel ferociously.

I reacted so strongly with the words I heard and decided it was it, without any regard to the other.  I became mute and deaf.  The words were not a representation of who I am.  I was shattered.  I debated and the words made no sense at all. I became more furious.

But not in any moment did I want to confront myself, why I should I be overwhelmed by words?  How could words destroy me?  How could I be willing to lose a wonderful communion by merely these words?  It was easier to be defensive.  It was easier to be miserable. It was easier to justify.  It was easier to remain in my state than to step out of it.

In retrospect, I have always been conclusive.  I will crucify a wrongful deed and ignore all the good deeds that have befallen in the course of time.  I am not forgiving.  I am not gracious.  In fact, I become hard and difficult when I am knocked out by words.  

I cannot imagine if the other had allowed me to continue to sulk and behave the way I did, I would have lost a valuable relationship. And most importantly a valuable life changing lesson.  Notwithstanding that my life will  fall short, and I was willing to shortchange my life just because of those words.  That is utter stupidity.  And stupidity is not me at all.  I let my false self - my ego overcome me.    

I have had the same encounter countless times.  It kept on repeating and all I knew was to react.  It became a vicious cycle and I became a hawk preying on a victim.  But never once was anyone capable of showing me, beyond my mind.

Again, I am counting my blessings and am indeed blessed to have a truthful friend.  A friend who values me and values our friendship and who cares to uplift me.  It is a challenge and I promised my friend, I will look within and peel the layers of deceit that have no residence in me.  The outside is beyond me but the inside is within me and I can work on how I respond!

The Need to Get Away

I consider myself very blessed that I am not impressed by people who go to retreats in the hope to connecting with their body, mind and soul, in a place surrounded by the same birds who flock there together.

Ashram is it.  According to the World English Dictionary, it is a noun defined as:

1. a religious retreat or community where a Hindu holy man lives
2. a house that provides accommodation for destitute people

To put it into the new-age context, it is an escapade to dislodge our social connections and to learn to relate with a spiritual guru who could possibly help us to untangle the issues of life.  It is like visiting a shrink and going through the clinical session for 30 minutes on a one-to-one basis.  The ashram, it is a sanctuary of exchange with strangers of different world views including sharing community living and housekeeping chores.

The western way of mental healing has evolved from sitting on a two piece of designer couch placed at a calculated distance from each other, to flying across the globe and sitting on the floor with people at close proximity.  All this for the purpose of attaining spiritual balance through the practice of yoga and meditation.

It bewilders me that that after all human beings still prefer life in a structured manner. Humans lack discipline and prefer to be regimented. Hence it is easier to conform to societal habits and changes than to live by our own freedom from discipline.  Within the compound of an ashram, there is an allocated time for all daily activities.  The time to eat is fixed! The food menu is fixed! The time to sleep is fixed!  The time to wake up is fixed!  The time to practice yoga and mediation is fixed!  The time to do housekeeping chores is fixed!  Perhaps it is a nourishing feeling to be a temporary prisoner in an ashram than to be a short or long-term prisoner behind vertical steel bars.

I know of someone who went to such an ashram to seek peace and quietness of the mind. The need was so intense that propelled the trip to India in a hope to reclaim life.  I do not know about the fruitfulness of the trip but can only assume that feeling peaceful, uncluttered, and centered lasted perhaps for a while.  This is evident to see from the state my friend is in today.  There is no transformation and transcendence of the mind.

Another friend, is going to a retreat in India. The purpose is to get away from the present environment, and to practice yoga and to become a certified yoga teacher.  Hence, it is about life´s sustenance.  I am not sure if the reason is practical but the underlying issue is still the same - seeking a fulfilling life.  In other words, this friend is not content with the present state.

As I know of one living example who came back without transformation, I asked these questions: Is a stay in an ashram an instant spiritual gratification that falls under the same category of acquiring gadgets?  What is the state of the mind after the stay?  Is the mind in control or easily manipulated?  How many ashrams does one need to go to find contentment?

For one thing that I know, I am not envious of such an escape. I do not have the urge to 'get away' - for ultimately, no matter where one goes, the mind is always with us; and yet we are always alone!

My Fellow Traveler

Recently I was asked to hold the hands of a fellow traveler and help transcend an argumentative mind.  The mind´s dialogues do not have moderators to tell you when to stop. It is full of open ended questions.  The capability of the mind to extrapolate a meaningful future, using past characters and situations, is a self conviction to enter into a state of irrevocable depression.

The tool of the mind is totally misunderstood and deeply abused. The logical indulgence is in the comfort of negativity, focusing on the deemed reality of what we could have if we had done this or that. In clearer perspective, it is essentially an illusion (phantasm) built on the "IFS".

The mind knows the process of thoughts and its vicious cycle of endless sufferings.  The mind knows it is possessing the body.  The mind knows the experience is not pleasant.  The minds knows the consequences of the preoccupation of mindless thoughts.

My fellow traveler has a one-sided mind and refuses to activate the other side.  My fellow traveler is bent on focusing on the concept of a fulfilled life based on achievements.  The concept of happiness is a pinch and an extract from various external endorsements of approval.  The concept of wisdom is a byproduct of knowledge.  The route towards fulfillment is to have a progressive career, a premium pay package, a secure home, a perfect partner, smart descendants, and happily living ever after.

Today, my fellow traveler does not have the expectations fulfilled.  My fellow traveler has a mind equivalent to a rapid roller coaster. My fellow traveler goes through life acquiring many theories and hoping to apply them.  The failure to apply a theory (which is highly probable) certifies that learning has failed and the intellect is consequently condemned.  The greater blow is of course, to the ego.

The debate within the mind becomes a viral phenomenon. The crucial urge to want an optimal or rather perfect solution bars the mind to construct affirmative thoughts necessary to live each and every single moment. It constricts the heart to feel and appreciate. The heart is beating with tension instead of gratitude.  The beginning of living life moment by moment is truly gratitude.  Gratitude is simply to be thankful to ALL that is presented to us and be contented with what we have. It is to appreciate and be immersed in whatever the moment brings.  It accepts ALL and seizes life with openness.

I recalled how my journey started when I began to feel constant frustrations walloping my thoughts daily.  When I was not sleeping, I was happy to be miserable.  When I was not sleeping, I was happy to be self-destructive.  When I was not sleeping, I was happy to tyrannize.  I was only good when I was asleep!

My fellow traveler reminds me of where I came from. I was a conventional seeker who would feel ebullient erratically. I felt hallow inside, something was just not right even though everything seemed to be in the right place externally.  The silent battle continued for a considerable length of time and infiltrated into my surroundings.  I became bitter and resentful for no reason other than that I disliked myself.  I shut down and shut up.

There was no love, let alone joy, the fruit of love.

My fellow traveler has a lot of intellect but no love for self, no love for life, people and things.  My fellow traveler has it all but is not awakened to feel what existence has bestowed.  My fellow traveler thinks that "deserving better" is the aim in life.  I am very grateful to my fellow traveler because it is only by holding someone else´s hands do I realize where I was before and how much I have learned and grown.

All I wanted then was to be a better person, and now I am.  I appreciate my own simplicity and my untarnished mind.  I am so thankful that I could drop all my baggage and start life anew just by a decision.  I did not fall into a state of mind activities like my fellow traveler.

This piece of wisdom, if well consumed and internalized, can be the only salvation: Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you. - Lao Tzu

Awaken to Falsehood

I was so tempted to respond to the one sided citations on the floor. But I fought my mind to mind its own business.  Be silent and just watched.

The honey coated discussions eventually led to a rosy end, was anything but a magic wand that awakened me to the reality of life. I realize that I have become a slave to my team unknowingly.
I saw clearly what it was all about.  It was expected of me to pickup the left overs for every mouth that could not take more than the spoonful being fed.

I am the menu planner to ensure that their appetite is not waning.  I feel like I am the spirit that makes things work but other higher celestial beings are reaping the fruits of my labor.

This was how self-absorbed I became after the workshop. It was not that I was despondent for praises and recognitions for my efforts and contributions. When the accolades went astray to executive management, I watched my sandbag ego being punched by a pair of wrong hands.  I felt my anger and discontentment uprising. But like a sandbag, I regained my form.  The lies sit in between the real and the false. (不真实 bu zhen shi)

I will learn and adjust my course. I have to live in reality but at the same time, not to let other people´s delusion bring me down to their pathetic human level.  There is no way out to avoid the daily evils in life and the only way is to go into my inner self and ask, "Do I want to live my life to be bothered by the multitude of idiosyncrasies of the world?   How do I want my mind to be occupied?" 

I have decided to learn to count my blessings and be responsive to gratitude.  Until I know what my blessings are, I will never learn what gratitude is.  If I do not know what I already have, how can I ever learn how to appreciate my things and let alone, human beings?

True happiness is not to be found in form.  It is felt in absolute silence. 

Alive

Regret as a noun means "sadness associated with some wrong done or some disappointment."  As a verb it means "feeling sad about the loss or absence of."  A few years ago I came across this adage "I would rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not." 

It penetrated my thoughts and feelings in a way that I did my own bloodwork to evaluate whether I was flowing or drifting away from the essence of life.  All I knew was that I did not want to live my life to realize during an "aha" moment that I was living like an ignorant farmer who did not make use of any opportunity to harness the crops to let them bloom.  

Life is to be lived in the present tense because it is from this very basis that life starts. Just like any word or sentence, it has neither meaning nor value until an experience occurs. It is easy to take life for granted because it is given to us without any effort on our part.  

I realize that the only experience that cannot be taken away from me is to live now in its entirety.  I acknowledge that I have always been where my mind wanted me to be.  I was constantly making use of  present stuations to extrapolate into scenerios that might or might not take place in the future. It worsened my state of being because I lost myself there and never returned to where I was!  The truth then crystalized.  I prefered to live in the future constructed by my mind than to live in the reality which entails challenging the real occurrences. 

I feel I am living now.  I am enjoying the living process instead of simply executing  tasks and responsibilities unmindfully.  I am savoring every moment to learn to know myself.  I sift the gravestones to recreate my path.  I learn to drop the small stuff and let it be swept away like fallen leaves.  

I am constantly reminding myself to live mindfully and to be an experiement in life's greatest mystery.

Let Go

We have often mistaken letting go as synonymous to giving up.  However, when we explore deeper into the phenomenon, it takes inner courage, strength, and a great amount of emancipation to let go.  It is a pursuit of the consciousness to choose, to face and to accept the wholeness as it is.  

The doctrine of more as a barometer of achievement and possessions has been inculcated into our value system at a very young age.  Life has thus become an ongoing concern and a constant race of accumulation without a finishing line.  We jump across each hurdle to pick up our possessions without realizing that we have encumbered ourselves with a heavy backpack that has become so attached to pull it off the shoulder.

My strength is my ability to let go of possessions.  I have kept my possessions to the minimum, or at least I avoid the add-on and coupon syndrome.  I keep fresh perishables in the fridge that are consumed and replaced quickly.  My personal detachment from people including those close is a blessing bestowed on me.  I walk my path freely and create my own foot print effortlessly.  I am my own follower. 

My weakness is my painful learning process to let go of situations that arise at work. I do become so obsessive and let the issues totally consume me that I become entrapped in the mine field.  People can be  irritating and they usually are.  Things will go wrong and they inevitably will.  Situations are unfair and that can happen.   Biasedness exists and it always has.  Idiots are dumb and they have to be.  I learn to let them be!

There is no greater autonomy than to go with the flow by detaching myself so as not to be buried in a self-inflicted avalanche and losing myself in the debris.  I realize that nothing is really worth the pursuit other than to remain true to myself.  I keep trying!

Highs and Lows

Drink less, eat healthy, learn something new, get fit, lose weight, get out of debt, quit smoking, spend more time with family, enjoy life, get organized, help others.....the popular resolutions that help to jump start our new year on a high mode.

We make resolutions to resolve issues that have been impeding us from moving forward and prevent us from being the better person that we think we should be. Our intentions are valid but seldom come to fruition. We are creating phantasms.

We make resolutions and hoard them at the same time.  It takes the same amount of time to make and forget them.  The end result is that we refresh the list and perhaps add more to it, as each new year begins. 

Then why make them?

I have stopped making resolutions exactly for this reason. I have decided to do nothing but allow things to be done.

As the wise sages have said - "Wu Wei" (無為) - action through inaction.  I have hence chosen to allow, accept and go with the flow.