Live, Laugh, Love

Respect is the highest form of honor endowed on us. I have observed and learned, respect is paramount in life. My own interpretation of respect begins with self-respect. It is the ability to maintain a graceful attitude towards myself and asserting calmness. Self-respect is to live with myself every moment in a loving state. Extending kindness to my being and accepting my own idiosyncrasies. In short, self-respect is to nurture my inner self in every way that will create equilibrium in my thoughts and actions.

Self-respect is to drop anger and stop hurting myself, and in the event, inflicting pain on others. It is valuing my own true worth and happiness. It means to eat, live, love and laugh wholeheartedly. It means to relate with constant respectfulness without segregating right and wrong. Relating without being respectful is demeaning and a depletion of life's energy. After all relating is an integral part of life and through it, I learn and experience the importance of respecting others. At times, the mouth wants to spit out the nastiness, but is held back because of respect. Respecting others is to take into considerations that their self-worth is as important as my own. It is futile to utter a disrespectful comment, what do I gain other than to satisfy the ego? The ego aspect is so senseless, so fake, so unreal. It is not my true self. It is the sheer emptiness of inner discontent that is exerted unconsciously. The reliance of the ego to validate my well being is a delusional phenomenon.

Responsibility for all my actions is necessary so that I do not blame others for my plight! It is a form of respect of my actions and take responsibility of them. It means to stop finding justifications for any uneventful occurrences and making myself a victim. Taking responsibility of my own action is the first step towards emancipation. The target is myself. There is no need to shoot the arrow somewhere else. When I have the courage to make myself responsible for my own actions, I am free to find my own solution and confront the consequences.

Life is experiential and has to be lived to the fullest and be the best in all endeavors! The antidote to Live, Laugh and Love is self-respect. I am my own happiness and misery, and no one else is responsible for them. Only I am.

Et Voilà

When I examined the choices I made, that led me to be where I am today, I wondered how and why I made those decisions. I did not have an answer for a few of my major life's decisions but only knew then that my unspoken beloved heart must be freed. Challenging the mind is futile because the mind always has an answer to every doubt which is basically a hypothesis. It will remain untrue due to its speculative nature. Without experimentation, it is only a mental foreplay. How unsavory is that?

The stakes of my major decisions were high. It entailed losing security, inflicting pain and agony, dismantling bond permanently, inducing logistical inconveniences, confronting discomfort zone, just to name a few. From these experiences, I realize the cruciality of listening to my inner voice. It is a sacred vacuum that deserves undivided attention. It serves as a balanced score card. It alerts me if I am suffering immensely due to the state of non-awareness. It is pure. It wants the best for me. It wants me to live life as it should be lived. Sufferings are inevitable. I am the only one who has the authority to either cling on to it or let it go. I can allow either energy to reside within me. Thus far, I realize that I am unafraid of uncertainty. I realize that life is not a punctuation. At any moment, things can change. In any form of adversity, it is only a temporary question mark. As long as I continue to trust and enjoy my current state of being,  the future will unfold in front of me.

Having realized that, I also asked myself frequently why all my decisions were so drastic? What was the impetus that pushed me to the extreme? My latest decision to quit my job was a case that I was suffering morning, noon and night. So were/are the rest in the same company. For me, it peaked to a point that enough was enough. Why I could not continue to suffer? Why I could not close one eye and shut the other? Why I could not resume to be a working zombie for the sake of financial security? Why would I let go of my untouchable status within the organization? Isn't suffering better than nothing? At least I would have a talking point with colleagues and friends.

There is a limit to everything including patience and suffering. I have compromised myself too many times. Each time, people learned that I could be exploited because I compromised. I was too nice! There is no need to help exploiters even though they are kind. This vicious cycle has no limits. To live in a compromised state is to be disrespectful to myself. Now I realize that my self-respect championed all my decisions. This is because I refuse to exist even for a single moment in compromise. Only I can put a stop to it. Only I can discontinue my suffering by doing something. Life is not meant to be a suffering. I should rejoice with life. Et voilà, what a discovery!

Fear

She was almost apologetic as she answered her phone. Perhaps she felt that it was too inconsiderate to speak inside a carriage full of unfamiliar faces. What would they think of her? Her head was pointing downwards as she spoke but raising her eyes constantly to look around her. She could not talk the way she would have even though no one was actually looking at her, or taken notice that she was on the phone.

I am able to relate with her behavior. The preconceived hypothesis that would immediately formulate when faced with a situation with anyone at any given time! Like the lady, I would not stop strangers to ask for direction to my destination. I imagined that I would be disruptive and be inconvenient to them. This was my "reality". The truth is that my imagination is meaningless because it is a mind game. It would not turn into action. It remains a myth. Self-created stress is the catalyst of my imagination.

Lately, it struck again. I was fearful that my assignment did not meet expectation. I was stressed as to how the outcome of my work would be reviewed. I spent many hours preparing myself to the point of exhaustion. In essence, it left me in a stupor. If I had made time to pause, I would have realized that stress was perching on my shoulders. My mind was swinging like a pendulum on a loose pivot waiting for a free fall. 

In reality, it was not an assignment. No one was going to judge me or rate my work. No one was going to reprimand me if I did not finish my part, as I was not expected to. I imagined them all and inflicted upon myself, unwarranted pressure. The cause of it all was fear. It was the greed to be flawless.

I managed to regain my composure and dropped all my fear before my deadline. I re-structured my work and re-framed my mind. When the actual day came to present my work, I was in fine feather. All went well indeed. Of course none of what I imagined happened! 

Fear is potent. It distorts the present because it is busy focusing into the future. Fear is the absence of trust. I realize that I lack trust. Trust is knowing that all is well and will be well even though the current situation does not seem to be congruent to the ordinary mind!

When my "assignment" did not seem to be moving along well, I did not have trust. I was uptight and let the energy of fear and stress take over. I am still learning to recognize my fear and only through it, will I transcend and live in trust. 

Delusional Citizens

Shared a news report on income inequality with friends  in the country (Singapore) I used to call home. The report is a prelude to another report which is due to be published tomorrow. It highlights the poverty in Singapore.

How could this be possible? The country is considered as one of the richest in the world, one of the costliest to live in, and one that has the highest GDP per capita. To the world, it is an exemplary self-made nation that has created its wealth based on zero natural resources. The combined fiscal and economic policy has successfully transformed the red dot nation to become one of the world's most attractive power-house for global investors.

Precisely, how could it be possible? However, the Gini coefficeint which measures income inequality states otherwise, Over the last 10 years, the rate has increased at a greater speed than those of the developed nations. The rich have grown richer exponentially but the poor remain the same. The reporter put poverty into context by illustrating that the poor still can be found selling packets of tissue paper outside food centers.

My dear friend did not accept the "metaphor". She proclaimed that the author has been grossly misled and misinformed about selling tissue paper as a sign of poverty! I almost choked at the response when she said the article is not worth OUR time analyzing it!

Clearly, she missed the broader view of the report which is about income inequality in a "wealthy country". What is the government doing to eradicate this social issue? She is one example of a Singaporean living in delusion that poverty is not a noun to be used to describe Singapore. How many others think the same as her? I dare not imagine! If the majority opinion prevails, the government will continue to neglect the living poor. The vicious cycle continues and the delusional mindset becomes an embedded character in future generations.

She reminds me of a frog living in a well. The magnitude of arrogance is exacerbated by ignorance. The inculcated arrogance does not allow a closed minded person to see Singapore in a negative spotlight. Despite external published report that has validated the condition or situation, an ignorant person chooses to remain clueless. A deluded person disregards the fact and is blinded by the existing living conditions of the poor, which is the reality.

It is utter selfishness to live in oblivion and becoming immune to the conditions of others. To only accept societal norms imposed by culture or institutions is an injustice to our intellect. Our intellect is far more capable of drawing insights as to what is real based on what we see. If only we choose to use it optimally. Its function is pivotal and it influences our choices. We must not let self-deception permeate our being.

Spring in the Fall

Crisp autumn leaves strewn all over the streets like a tie dyed carpet. Oblivious to the noise of the automobiles and the bolting footsteps of trespassers. Minding their own business and waiting for any mode of transport to bring them to another place.

Leaves are selfless.
Leaves grow.
Leaves fall.
Leaves fight not.

They reach out to the sun to make shelter. They withstand the rain and the wind with no complaint. They drop to the harshness of the earth when it is their time of the season. Their existence is the ultimate acceptance of mother nature. Their state is choiceless. Their life is momentary. Spring welcomes the beginning of life. Fall simply embraces death.

My Spring begins in the fall. I made it to the first step towards realizing a dream of a lifetime. I used to be so aimless in most aspects of my life. I lived in my "none of my business" world. I indulged in soliloquy. I was disinterested in pursuing goals. Could not be bothered about achievements. I became intellectually lazy. On the contrary, I knew I had to grow to become a better person. I followed my heart although I did not know what lay ahead, only knew that it could not be worse than where I was. Life is too short to fear taking risk. The unknown is life's mystery. To try to know the unknown, is a misery.

I am blessed that now I am inspired to learn ceaselessly everyday. The revival of my curiosity is the stepping stone to want to know more of a subject. Learning feeds the soul. It heightens the intellect. It cultivates confidence. It is the engine to challenge ourselves to defy our perceived limitations and to become the best we can be.  

Relationship Indebtedness

Recently I have been mulling over the precepts of Buddhism in Mandarin. I am thankful that I understand the written language as certain proverbs are so apt that translation would fail to expound the depth of it.

I wrote some of these down and pasted the stickies on the wall. When I dug deeper as to why I am reading all the precepts about the existence of life, I realize I am deeply bothered by the behavior of people. I am baffled when I fail to rationalize from the specific behavior. I am disgusted when verbal deliverance is abused without action.

My fanatical mind sees only from my perspective. I tried to see the whole relating. What factors influenced such behavior? Had I allowed such behavior to surface? What are the cost-benefit in our relationship in terms peace and pain? How much do I value "us" to be willing to let my my stupidity go? The greater I value 'us", the easier it is for me to dispel my annoyance with others. It is the extent of the relationship indebtedness. It is the decision maker based on a calculated analysis. Then I have to use my heart to feel whether I agree with the decision maker device. I adopted the precepts of Buddhism in Mandarin, as a tool to open up my heart which has been possessed by my mind.

Our relationship with people is based on the need to relate to people so as to grow individually. In the course of life, when we meet good people, we must feel grateful for their grace. For rascals that we meet, they are brought to us to teach us that painful experiences are paramount to the existence of life. Indeed, pain is life's greatest teacher. A tit for a tat is the most evil punishment we can impose onto ourselves. Love and hate will dissipate when death knocks! In the end, it simply does not matter!

How about love? How do we know love is? When is that enlightened moment when we realize the deeper meaning of love? How much do we want to sacrifice for others? How many white lies we need to make to avoid hurting others? How much we value the relating that we want to submerge our spiteful tongue from drawing out the sword of evil words? How many times we want to betray the trust but strive relentlessly to uphold it in a vacuum just because we have given our words of promise to the graveyard?

I have learned about love albeit the hard way. Moving forward, I finally know what love is. It is hard to rise in love, but it is possible by giving attention to it. I choose to live in a way that I know and yet do not know. I know it and yet do not utter it. My silence will let others ponder who I am.

Tomorrow

It is such an irony that time awaits nobody and yet most of us are inclined to wait for the right time to do something. The right time which has a futuristic connotation, might take forever to come. Tomorrow is a second chance that if we are lucky, we may live it. In reality, either way may happen.

In retrospect, I have let tomorrow be the victim of my laziness. Fatigue became my default motivation towards my sluggishness. Lethargy was a stubborn overcast that would not dissipate.

Eight weeks have passed since the day I officially walked away. I have a list of tasks awaiting to be accomplished with external deadlines. In the course of time, I have learned not to be disgruntled by necessary evil - just do it and get it out of the way. The sweetness of immediate action is to prevent bricks of thoughts from ramping up that prevent me from crossing the finishing line.

I am most proud of a personal spa agenda which I started to indulge diligently for the last 8 weeks.  I realized that I have become skin-deep. I was estranged from my skin and body care products. They looked immaculate in a chest of drawers when I was packing my personal stuff away. My eyes were illuminated. Remorsefulness overwhelmed me. I have done myself a disservice through procrastination. It was not about vanity and beauty. It was despising my lackadaisical approach that "I will use it tomorrow", just because I surrendered to sheer fatigue at every moment. I live today in hope of tomorrow.  My body goes through the motion of the day but my mind thinks about the hope(s) of the future. The superfluous pursuit in purchasing and hoarding the purchases revealed an entrenched habit that trespasses sensibility.

My own realization of the vulnerability of tomorrow spurs me to keep moving forward now. Just like a ripened fruit does not cling to the vine, I must let go of past errors or anyone else's. Every moment has to be lived as if it is the last. Rejuvenate the positive and stop fighting the negative. It is paramount to capture life fully and live authentically. I am blessed that my tomorrow came in time for me to reconnect to my body essentials. It is a simple and effortless application with gradual recovery.

Anew

All is in harmony for me thus far. Not needing or wanting anything in particular.  Peace reigns in my being.  Meeting and knowing new people.  While learning new skills and having had a few "ah ha" moments, I realized I have been doing many things the wrong way.  Ignorance is indeed costly. It also dawned on me as to how I have denied myself growth because of long period of isolation and not tuning myself into my environment.  I let the external environment dictate too many choices which were to have subsequently influenced who I have become.  To follow like a muzzled dog is easy.  It becomes an ingrained lifestyle habit.  The mind becomes blunt, untrained to think critically and creatively.  However, the outfit of the mind can be redesigned with  contours that accentuate leaner thoughts.  Like any tool, it can be sharpened. The mind and I can become glorious assets if we relate with the right figures. 

The journey with my re-constructed mind started by first changing my environment.  I weaned myself away from people with whom I have been involved closely with for years.  The closeness was a derivative from the need to connect with others within a very small community.  I did not enjoy listening to endless updates about what was going on with the lives of people that I did not even know!  I gave my time away to useless deeds for a significant period of time.  I did not have the courage to hurt people. It was easier to waste my own time.  Guilt would be the consequence of that act.  I was not choosy and became incidental.  The truth of the matter is that some relationships do need to die.  There is no right and wrong to this.  When relationships merely exist, they are not worth my treasure.  Life is too short to be surrounded by people and activities that emit toxins and bereave personal growth.  It is better to be alone in silence than to be a somnambulistic stand-alone in a crowd. It is better to sleep and rest than to be engaged in weary conversations. 

I have now learned to be choosy and deliberate.  I let relationships go.  I let possessions go.  I am free from clutter. The incremental steps taken from changing my environment, cutting off relationships, to finally quitting my job,  has transformed my thoughts as to how I want my life to be. I have the power to make it lighter and brighter. I  am starting anew.  Having moved away from a miserable ghetto and am now ready to embrace an array of psychedelic experiences.  It is an intimate choice!

My Takeaway

No words can convey a message more profoundly than the picture below.  This is a reminder of our reckless pursuits that wreck our conscience for the rest of our life.
 



Recently, I used this metaphor to express my distaste of a clinical email received from an ex-co-worker.  I am learning again!  How could I not expect such a thing to happen (my common exclamation)? Why am I so constantly astonished by the acts of idiots?  In reality, it is not their fault when they act this way. But my ignorance to expect less of their contemptuous behavior.  Dealing with people who are perpetually tuned to survival mode level, needs self-reflection and awareness. Pause is necessary in times of adversity.  It rejuvenates me to my own center.  I try to convert my negative energy into creativity when I have to tackle the unsavory situation.  It is a common story of corporate bitterness and reclaiming their last word when a key employee leaves abruptly.  I am thankful for this experience which allowed me respond thus:

 "You are taking away only some money that rightfully belongs to me. You are welcome to it if it pleases you and if it helps to push you one notch up the ladder.  You know it is dirty money and will haunt you for the rest of you life.  We answer our deeds to the higher authority.  It is a fact that I exceeded by 5 days (not 6) of my vacation days last year. But it is a truth that you promised to reinstate and was already approved.  And yet, you allowed your venomous pretense to emerge with the tune from the snake charmer's flute.

To you, I want to say, protect your conscience consciously.  You chose to be the photographer fixated on your lens.  The person I know would have picked up my phone calls, and also called me and explained her predicament to me.  Not the pseudo person in avoidance that I have experienced since my departure from the company, when you did not respond to my message.  Instead I received an officious note.  I considered you a friend and you let me down.  I am overjoyed that I am done with you. I do not have to live my working life in an amputated-spirit environment of a somnambulist.  I have a meaningful and bountiful future ahead. I wish you all the best and that you get all that you deserve in this life and after.

I can tell you with authority that I am at peace with myself.  I walk away untethered and fearless without needing to seek forgiveness from the highest realm.  You have your recourse of going to your church(es) and cleansing your sins multiple times in a week.  You can espouse your religious ideals, by reaching out to help people in need by doing charitable acts.  However religion starts inside and manifests into humanity from the inner. True religion awakens us."

I have learned again that no one can take away my state of joy.  Not getting what is rightfully mine does not make me a loser.  Harboring vindictiveness against an unaware person is hoping that a blind person can use the lamp to see. 

Detachment

I was never a person to give things away.  Neither was I a person that would spend on others.  In essence, my internal battle of becoming worse off by giving always won.  It did not occur to me that giving is healing. It took many years to learn how to reciprocate to generosity.  Logic, calculations and expectations are not part of it.  The inherent good feeling arising from giving is total thankfulness and lightheartedness! 

When my apartment became furniture free, I was not devoid of any remorse, all alone in the empty space of the apartment.  In reality, I enjoyed the sacred emptiness of tranquility.  The stillness of space resonated so well with my state of being. Just BE. 

When it was time to go through all my belongings, it was a challenge indeed.  How should I use discernment to distinguish the worthy and the non-worthy? What does each of my personal belonging mean to me? All this time, it was not necessary to dispose them as the space was there, and there was no impetus to review my cumulative inventory! Confronted with time, space and budget, I shortlisted items that have high start-up cost in terms of time and money, and items that were not easily re-purchasable.  Basically, a list of items that I actually need and are still useful to me now and will be later!  If I had consciously made an effort to review the things around me, I would have lesser clutter.  The space would open the door to reinforce my own center and be contented. 

It was a great realization to know that I will always have enough and in abundance. But I fell prey to greed and non-awareness and kept accumulating things. After all, if I cut the umbilical cord of importance on possessions, there will be no life growing out of it. I have finally detached from my many possessions. Detachment is freedom of the highest degree. The feeling of unencumbered mobility is simply expressionless in words. It is time to draw out the master key and stop searching for duplicates to substitute the meaningfulness of life. I have learned again, life is to be lived!

Walking Away

The first two weeks of August passed outside my comfort zone. I made work my life and stayed within the familiarity of my external surroundings, the regular type of conversations with colleagues, and the habitual type of interactions with customers, and the predictable type of communications with civil servants.  Executing such tasks is not difficult, as they become an embedded daily routine. 

I decided to walk away abruptly from it all. That is the only way to go considering the circumstances I have been put through.  It was my choice to make a quick exit. I was persuaded to reconsider my decision, and even to make a smooth transition with many lucrative offers.  But this time, there was no compromise. I listened to what they had to say but did not allow any of them to sway me from my firm decision.  This time, it is all about me.  I made it that way.  However, I was perturbed by one remark received - "I am ESCAPING".

I pondered about this verb thrown in  my face.  I deliberated as to how I handled myself in such situations when I had to make unlikeable decisions. At the same time, I was also enlightened by the misrepresentation made by the other person, who obviously had done a hear-say analysis.  How could he know more than what I had to go through?  And how could he feel and know my reality?

My unlikeable decision benefited me in its entirety. It was a manifestation of years of tolerance and patience with my toxic environment.  To the person who believed I was escaping, he knew so little.  I am only a very tiny part of the vast universe. When the time came to act, the universe helped me boundlessly.  It cleared away the gravestones and let me walk away steadily with dignity. 

My deep self-respect prohibits me from prolonging my sufferings, and wasting my time in meaningless activities and "zombifying" me. I want to live life with meaningful pursuits which will empower me to become a better human being.  To know that it is achievable, makes nothing impossible, for I am possible!

I am FREE

Imagine clocking 12 hours a day without any lunch break, or any other breaks.  Imagine a weekly schedule which does not incorporate any exercise regime.  Imagine weekends spent.  Imagine working during weekends.  Imagine work preoccupying your life and perpetuating for almost 3.5 years.  Imagine the few witnesses of this plight are in a state of oblivion.

I do not need to imagine. I lived it. How can life be meaningful when work and sleep become the only two routines in a day?  I know work is a necessary evil, but I have decided to bury the evil. I quit. I decided not to hang in there and continue suffering the unreasonableness.  I reached my breaking point and decided that I have had enough. Disrespectfulness became an acceptable attitude and I cannot tolerate it. Blamefulness became so prevailing, let alone any sign of appreciation. My inner soul is bleeding and eroding away day by day.  I simply cannot live in a compromised state.  It is either all or nothing.  I was not flowering.

Now I am free. I want to spend time with myself.  I want to grow through learning and knowledge. I want a life that relates to my surroundings, to the people who care and love me.

I need to let go more.
I need to laugh more.
I need to dance more.
I need to live more.
I need to love more. 
I need to write more.
I need to create more.
I need to let go of idiots more! 

They clear my eyes, and give me clarity. I have a whole lot to be thankful for.