Self Awareness

We cannot see ourselves. Our sensory organs allow us to connect only outwards. With the eyes we see outwards, with the eyes we hear outwards, with the mouth we speak outwards.

I am told that we can see inwards and hear inwards too. I am working hard to see myself and hear myself.  This is quite a challenge.  It is so hard to debate with logic and rationalization. We will never win the mind.

Our mind makes use of our eyes and ears to interpret in our own terms what we see and hear, although the reality could be something else, if we only care to pause. Until we can rupture the mind, it will consume us.  In the face of adversity, our veil of blindness encrypted by stubbornness prevents us from seeing what is.

Naturally, I have those fighting moments.  I feel unjustly treated, I feel annoyed, I feel I am always right,  and I have done my utmost.  I only see from my point of view although it takes two hands to clap.  My latest moment of truth disgusted me and caused me to repel ferociously.

I reacted so strongly with the words I heard and decided it was it, without any regard to the other.  I became mute and deaf.  The words were not a representation of who I am.  I was shattered.  I debated and the words made no sense at all. I became more furious.

But not in any moment did I want to confront myself, why I should I be overwhelmed by words?  How could words destroy me?  How could I be willing to lose a wonderful communion by merely these words?  It was easier to be defensive.  It was easier to be miserable. It was easier to justify.  It was easier to remain in my state than to step out of it.

In retrospect, I have always been conclusive.  I will crucify a wrongful deed and ignore all the good deeds that have befallen in the course of time.  I am not forgiving.  I am not gracious.  In fact, I become hard and difficult when I am knocked out by words.  

I cannot imagine if the other had allowed me to continue to sulk and behave the way I did, I would have lost a valuable relationship. And most importantly a valuable life changing lesson.  Notwithstanding that my life will  fall short, and I was willing to shortchange my life just because of those words.  That is utter stupidity.  And stupidity is not me at all.  I let my false self - my ego overcome me.    

I have had the same encounter countless times.  It kept on repeating and all I knew was to react.  It became a vicious cycle and I became a hawk preying on a victim.  But never once was anyone capable of showing me, beyond my mind.

Again, I am counting my blessings and am indeed blessed to have a truthful friend.  A friend who values me and values our friendship and who cares to uplift me.  It is a challenge and I promised my friend, I will look within and peel the layers of deceit that have no residence in me.  The outside is beyond me but the inside is within me and I can work on how I respond!

The Need to Get Away

I consider myself very blessed that I am not impressed by people who go to retreats in the hope to connecting with their body, mind and soul, in a place surrounded by the same birds who flock there together.

Ashram is it.  According to the World English Dictionary, it is a noun defined as:

1. a religious retreat or community where a Hindu holy man lives
2. a house that provides accommodation for destitute people

To put it into the new-age context, it is an escapade to dislodge our social connections and to learn to relate with a spiritual guru who could possibly help us to untangle the issues of life.  It is like visiting a shrink and going through the clinical session for 30 minutes on a one-to-one basis.  The ashram, it is a sanctuary of exchange with strangers of different world views including sharing community living and housekeeping chores.

The western way of mental healing has evolved from sitting on a two piece of designer couch placed at a calculated distance from each other, to flying across the globe and sitting on the floor with people at close proximity.  All this for the purpose of attaining spiritual balance through the practice of yoga and meditation.

It bewilders me that that after all human beings still prefer life in a structured manner. Humans lack discipline and prefer to be regimented. Hence it is easier to conform to societal habits and changes than to live by our own freedom from discipline.  Within the compound of an ashram, there is an allocated time for all daily activities.  The time to eat is fixed! The food menu is fixed! The time to sleep is fixed!  The time to wake up is fixed!  The time to practice yoga and mediation is fixed!  The time to do housekeeping chores is fixed!  Perhaps it is a nourishing feeling to be a temporary prisoner in an ashram than to be a short or long-term prisoner behind vertical steel bars.

I know of someone who went to such an ashram to seek peace and quietness of the mind. The need was so intense that propelled the trip to India in a hope to reclaim life.  I do not know about the fruitfulness of the trip but can only assume that feeling peaceful, uncluttered, and centered lasted perhaps for a while.  This is evident to see from the state my friend is in today.  There is no transformation and transcendence of the mind.

Another friend, is going to a retreat in India. The purpose is to get away from the present environment, and to practice yoga and to become a certified yoga teacher.  Hence, it is about life´s sustenance.  I am not sure if the reason is practical but the underlying issue is still the same - seeking a fulfilling life.  In other words, this friend is not content with the present state.

As I know of one living example who came back without transformation, I asked these questions: Is a stay in an ashram an instant spiritual gratification that falls under the same category of acquiring gadgets?  What is the state of the mind after the stay?  Is the mind in control or easily manipulated?  How many ashrams does one need to go to find contentment?

For one thing that I know, I am not envious of such an escape. I do not have the urge to 'get away' - for ultimately, no matter where one goes, the mind is always with us; and yet we are always alone!

My Fellow Traveler

Recently I was asked to hold the hands of a fellow traveler and help transcend an argumentative mind.  The mind´s dialogues do not have moderators to tell you when to stop. It is full of open ended questions.  The capability of the mind to extrapolate a meaningful future, using past characters and situations, is a self conviction to enter into a state of irrevocable depression.

The tool of the mind is totally misunderstood and deeply abused. The logical indulgence is in the comfort of negativity, focusing on the deemed reality of what we could have if we had done this or that. In clearer perspective, it is essentially an illusion (phantasm) built on the "IFS".

The mind knows the process of thoughts and its vicious cycle of endless sufferings.  The mind knows it is possessing the body.  The mind knows the experience is not pleasant.  The minds knows the consequences of the preoccupation of mindless thoughts.

My fellow traveler has a one-sided mind and refuses to activate the other side.  My fellow traveler is bent on focusing on the concept of a fulfilled life based on achievements.  The concept of happiness is a pinch and an extract from various external endorsements of approval.  The concept of wisdom is a byproduct of knowledge.  The route towards fulfillment is to have a progressive career, a premium pay package, a secure home, a perfect partner, smart descendants, and happily living ever after.

Today, my fellow traveler does not have the expectations fulfilled.  My fellow traveler has a mind equivalent to a rapid roller coaster. My fellow traveler goes through life acquiring many theories and hoping to apply them.  The failure to apply a theory (which is highly probable) certifies that learning has failed and the intellect is consequently condemned.  The greater blow is of course, to the ego.

The debate within the mind becomes a viral phenomenon. The crucial urge to want an optimal or rather perfect solution bars the mind to construct affirmative thoughts necessary to live each and every single moment. It constricts the heart to feel and appreciate. The heart is beating with tension instead of gratitude.  The beginning of living life moment by moment is truly gratitude.  Gratitude is simply to be thankful to ALL that is presented to us and be contented with what we have. It is to appreciate and be immersed in whatever the moment brings.  It accepts ALL and seizes life with openness.

I recalled how my journey started when I began to feel constant frustrations walloping my thoughts daily.  When I was not sleeping, I was happy to be miserable.  When I was not sleeping, I was happy to be self-destructive.  When I was not sleeping, I was happy to tyrannize.  I was only good when I was asleep!

My fellow traveler reminds me of where I came from. I was a conventional seeker who would feel ebullient erratically. I felt hallow inside, something was just not right even though everything seemed to be in the right place externally.  The silent battle continued for a considerable length of time and infiltrated into my surroundings.  I became bitter and resentful for no reason other than that I disliked myself.  I shut down and shut up.

There was no love, let alone joy, the fruit of love.

My fellow traveler has a lot of intellect but no love for self, no love for life, people and things.  My fellow traveler has it all but is not awakened to feel what existence has bestowed.  My fellow traveler thinks that "deserving better" is the aim in life.  I am very grateful to my fellow traveler because it is only by holding someone else´s hands do I realize where I was before and how much I have learned and grown.

All I wanted then was to be a better person, and now I am.  I appreciate my own simplicity and my untarnished mind.  I am so thankful that I could drop all my baggage and start life anew just by a decision.  I did not fall into a state of mind activities like my fellow traveler.

This piece of wisdom, if well consumed and internalized, can be the only salvation: Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you. - Lao Tzu

Awaken to Falsehood

I was so tempted to respond to the one sided citations on the floor. But I fought my mind to mind its own business.  Be silent and just watched.

The honey coated discussions eventually led to a rosy end, was anything but a magic wand that awakened me to the reality of life. I realize that I have become a slave to my team unknowingly.
I saw clearly what it was all about.  It was expected of me to pickup the left overs for every mouth that could not take more than the spoonful being fed.

I am the menu planner to ensure that their appetite is not waning.  I feel like I am the spirit that makes things work but other higher celestial beings are reaping the fruits of my labor.

This was how self-absorbed I became after the workshop. It was not that I was despondent for praises and recognitions for my efforts and contributions. When the accolades went astray to executive management, I watched my sandbag ego being punched by a pair of wrong hands.  I felt my anger and discontentment uprising. But like a sandbag, I regained my form.  The lies sit in between the real and the false. (不真实 bu zhen shi)

I will learn and adjust my course. I have to live in reality but at the same time, not to let other people´s delusion bring me down to their pathetic human level.  There is no way out to avoid the daily evils in life and the only way is to go into my inner self and ask, "Do I want to live my life to be bothered by the multitude of idiosyncrasies of the world?   How do I want my mind to be occupied?" 

I have decided to learn to count my blessings and be responsive to gratitude.  Until I know what my blessings are, I will never learn what gratitude is.  If I do not know what I already have, how can I ever learn how to appreciate my things and let alone, human beings?

True happiness is not to be found in form.  It is felt in absolute silence. 

Alive

Regret as a noun means "sadness associated with some wrong done or some disappointment."  As a verb it means "feeling sad about the loss or absence of."  A few years ago I came across this adage "I would rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not." 

It penetrated my thoughts and feelings in a way that I did my own bloodwork to evaluate whether I was flowing or drifting away from the essence of life.  All I knew was that I did not want to live my life to realize during an "aha" moment that I was living like an ignorant farmer who did not make use of any opportunity to harness the crops to let them bloom.  

Life is to be lived in the present tense because it is from this very basis that life starts. Just like any word or sentence, it has neither meaning nor value until an experience occurs. It is easy to take life for granted because it is given to us without any effort on our part.  

I realize that the only experience that cannot be taken away from me is to live now in its entirety.  I acknowledge that I have always been where my mind wanted me to be.  I was constantly making use of  present stuations to extrapolate into scenerios that might or might not take place in the future. It worsened my state of being because I lost myself there and never returned to where I was!  The truth then crystalized.  I prefered to live in the future constructed by my mind than to live in the reality which entails challenging the real occurrences. 

I feel I am living now.  I am enjoying the living process instead of simply executing  tasks and responsibilities unmindfully.  I am savoring every moment to learn to know myself.  I sift the gravestones to recreate my path.  I learn to drop the small stuff and let it be swept away like fallen leaves.  

I am constantly reminding myself to live mindfully and to be an experiement in life's greatest mystery.

Let Go

We have often mistaken letting go as synonymous to giving up.  However, when we explore deeper into the phenomenon, it takes inner courage, strength, and a great amount of emancipation to let go.  It is a pursuit of the consciousness to choose, to face and to accept the wholeness as it is.  

The doctrine of more as a barometer of achievement and possessions has been inculcated into our value system at a very young age.  Life has thus become an ongoing concern and a constant race of accumulation without a finishing line.  We jump across each hurdle to pick up our possessions without realizing that we have encumbered ourselves with a heavy backpack that has become so attached to pull it off the shoulder.

My strength is my ability to let go of possessions.  I have kept my possessions to the minimum, or at least I avoid the add-on and coupon syndrome.  I keep fresh perishables in the fridge that are consumed and replaced quickly.  My personal detachment from people including those close is a blessing bestowed on me.  I walk my path freely and create my own foot print effortlessly.  I am my own follower. 

My weakness is my painful learning process to let go of situations that arise at work. I do become so obsessive and let the issues totally consume me that I become entrapped in the mine field.  People can be  irritating and they usually are.  Things will go wrong and they inevitably will.  Situations are unfair and that can happen.   Biasedness exists and it always has.  Idiots are dumb and they have to be.  I learn to let them be!

There is no greater autonomy than to go with the flow by detaching myself so as not to be buried in a self-inflicted avalanche and losing myself in the debris.  I realize that nothing is really worth the pursuit other than to remain true to myself.  I keep trying!

Highs and Lows

Drink less, eat healthy, learn something new, get fit, lose weight, get out of debt, quit smoking, spend more time with family, enjoy life, get organized, help others.....the popular resolutions that help to jump start our new year on a high mode.

We make resolutions to resolve issues that have been impeding us from moving forward and prevent us from being the better person that we think we should be. Our intentions are valid but seldom come to fruition. We are creating phantasms.

We make resolutions and hoard them at the same time.  It takes the same amount of time to make and forget them.  The end result is that we refresh the list and perhaps add more to it, as each new year begins. 

Then why make them?

I have stopped making resolutions exactly for this reason. I have decided to do nothing but allow things to be done.

As the wise sages have said - "Wu Wei" (無為) - action through inaction.  I have hence chosen to allow, accept and go with the flow.

Easy

For twenty one days, I was observing the other.  I invited the other in every aspect of decision making.  Sometimes, the other took the responsibility but most times, the ball was thrown at my feet!  The other´s logic was pretty easy.  Authority and decision making go hand in hand.

The mind of the other has developed to become selectively convenient when it comes to decision making.  Activities that involve physical skills and pleasant vision are thumbs up.  Activies that require contemplation and work, are simply too much to ask for, from the intellect.  

I asked myself, is laziness a modern generation syndrome? Is advanced technology a curse to our intellectual being?  Is it our nature to take the easy way out?  Is there a prescribed antidote to reverse the situation?

My other forced me to contemplate on laziness.  How disrespectful we are to mother nature that gives us a mind and how little we spend time with our mind in creative activies.  Creativity entails exploration away from our comfort seeking behavior.  Exploration is not to succumb to defeat but let perseverence be the shield till we cross the threshold. 

I reminded the other of the countless gratifying excuses for intellectual procrastination, probably to no avail.  I have set the stage for this, and it is now up to the other to rise.

Just me

We all have our aspirations, our ideals, our desires. We want to become someone special, someone unique, someone extraordinary, someone flawless. In the midst of becoming someone, we have forgotten about our "self".  This reminded me of a tale about a cat and through this I learned a deep lesson. 

A samurai, came home tired after the whole day’s fight in the battle field. Just as he was about to fall into a slumber, he was disturbed by a ferocious rat in his room.  He drew his sword at the rat, trying so very hard to hit the rat but to no avail.  He reached the point of fear, and perspired profusely.  Then, he was reminded by his wife of his foolishness to use the sword, instead of using their warrior´s cat.

They became hopeful and confident to get rid of the rat, but to their dismay, their warrior´s cat who was very trained and skilfull in catching rats, was also frightened by the rat and ran far away.  They and the warrior started to believe that this was no ordinary rat.

Then the king’s cat was called. She was a master cat, very well-known all over the country; of course, she was the king’s cat - well trained and very capable.  The king’s cat came and she too was defeated by the rat.  She went in, tried hard, used all her knowledge, but the rat was just too much.

Then the king’s cat suggested a cat she knew who was not famous at all.  ”You have tried with famous cats, now you try with an ordinary one... just ordinary, plain ordinary.”  The warrior said, ”But what can a plain, ordinary cat do?”

The king’s cat said, ”You just try. I know this cat.  She is so ordinary, she does not know a thing.  The whole day she sleeps.  But there is one thing about her:this cats knows that she is very mysterious.  The mysterious thing is that she knows nothing about rats, rat-catching, the art, the technique, the methodology, the philosophy – she knows nothing; she has never been to any school or college or university.  She is a plain, ordinary cat, but rats are so afraid of her!

The cat was brought, and the samurai was not very hopeful because she was really very ordinary, just like any vagabond cat. She came in, and without any effort she simply went in, caught hold of the rat and brought it out. She was asked, ”What is your art?” And she said, ”I don’t know any art. I am a cat! Is not that enough?”

Wow! This is my realization. I am ordinary and being ordinary is enough! I am me and that is all I need to be.  Follow your nature . Do not be someone you are not. A rose does not want to be tulip, neither does a bird want to be a lion. I have come a long way to discover myself.  My nature is kind, honest, caring, sharing and loving.  I accept my nature and I let it dictate my course in life. Life is to live and to go with the flow.  To live is to accept the whole, i.e. the  sun and the rain.

Water does not fight to flow upwards.  Oceans do not reject rivers. A dog cannot be muted to bark. You are universal - do not belong to just one place, yet you have your inbuilt nature which was nurtured by your mom.  Just as the lotus blossoms in dirty swamp water- it does not try to escape.  It connects with mother nature to grow and bloom. I am connected with my mystic nature of an ordinary being.  I am just me.