Relationship Indebtedness

Recently I have been mulling over the precepts of Buddhism in Mandarin. I am thankful that I understand the written language as certain proverbs are so apt that translation would fail to expound the depth of it.

I wrote some of these down and pasted the stickies on the wall. When I dug deeper as to why I am reading all the precepts about the existence of life, I realize I am deeply bothered by the behavior of people. I am baffled when I fail to rationalize from the specific behavior. I am disgusted when verbal deliverance is abused without action.

My fanatical mind sees only from my perspective. I tried to see the whole relating. What factors influenced such behavior? Had I allowed such behavior to surface? What are the cost-benefit in our relationship in terms peace and pain? How much do I value "us" to be willing to let my my stupidity go? The greater I value 'us", the easier it is for me to dispel my annoyance with others. It is the extent of the relationship indebtedness. It is the decision maker based on a calculated analysis. Then I have to use my heart to feel whether I agree with the decision maker device. I adopted the precepts of Buddhism in Mandarin, as a tool to open up my heart which has been possessed by my mind.

Our relationship with people is based on the need to relate to people so as to grow individually. In the course of life, when we meet good people, we must feel grateful for their grace. For rascals that we meet, they are brought to us to teach us that painful experiences are paramount to the existence of life. Indeed, pain is life's greatest teacher. A tit for a tat is the most evil punishment we can impose onto ourselves. Love and hate will dissipate when death knocks! In the end, it simply does not matter!

How about love? How do we know love is? When is that enlightened moment when we realize the deeper meaning of love? How much do we want to sacrifice for others? How many white lies we need to make to avoid hurting others? How much we value the relating that we want to submerge our spiteful tongue from drawing out the sword of evil words? How many times we want to betray the trust but strive relentlessly to uphold it in a vacuum just because we have given our words of promise to the graveyard?

I have learned about love albeit the hard way. Moving forward, I finally know what love is. It is hard to rise in love, but it is possible by giving attention to it. I choose to live in a way that I know and yet do not know. I know it and yet do not utter it. My silence will let others ponder who I am.

Tomorrow

It is such an irony that time awaits nobody and yet most of us are inclined to wait for the right time to do something. The right time which has a futuristic connotation, might take forever to come. Tomorrow is a second chance that if we are lucky, we may live it. In reality, either way may happen.

In retrospect, I have let tomorrow be the victim of my laziness. Fatigue became my default motivation towards my sluggishness. Lethargy was a stubborn overcast that would not dissipate.

Eight weeks have passed since the day I officially walked away. I have a list of tasks awaiting to be accomplished with external deadlines. In the course of time, I have learned not to be disgruntled by necessary evil - just do it and get it out of the way. The sweetness of immediate action is to prevent bricks of thoughts from ramping up that prevent me from crossing the finishing line.

I am most proud of a personal spa agenda which I started to indulge diligently for the last 8 weeks.  I realized that I have become skin-deep. I was estranged from my skin and body care products. They looked immaculate in a chest of drawers when I was packing my personal stuff away. My eyes were illuminated. Remorsefulness overwhelmed me. I have done myself a disservice through procrastination. It was not about vanity and beauty. It was despising my lackadaisical approach that "I will use it tomorrow", just because I surrendered to sheer fatigue at every moment. I live today in hope of tomorrow.  My body goes through the motion of the day but my mind thinks about the hope(s) of the future. The superfluous pursuit in purchasing and hoarding the purchases revealed an entrenched habit that trespasses sensibility.

My own realization of the vulnerability of tomorrow spurs me to keep moving forward now. Just like a ripened fruit does not cling to the vine, I must let go of past errors or anyone else's. Every moment has to be lived as if it is the last. Rejuvenate the positive and stop fighting the negative. It is paramount to capture life fully and live authentically. I am blessed that my tomorrow came in time for me to reconnect to my body essentials. It is a simple and effortless application with gradual recovery.