Anew

All is in harmony for me thus far. Not needing or wanting anything in particular.  Peace reigns in my being.  Meeting and knowing new people.  While learning new skills and having had a few "ah ha" moments, I realized I have been doing many things the wrong way.  Ignorance is indeed costly. It also dawned on me as to how I have denied myself growth because of long period of isolation and not tuning myself into my environment.  I let the external environment dictate too many choices which were to have subsequently influenced who I have become.  To follow like a muzzled dog is easy.  It becomes an ingrained lifestyle habit.  The mind becomes blunt, untrained to think critically and creatively.  However, the outfit of the mind can be redesigned with  contours that accentuate leaner thoughts.  Like any tool, it can be sharpened. The mind and I can become glorious assets if we relate with the right figures. 

The journey with my re-constructed mind started by first changing my environment.  I weaned myself away from people with whom I have been involved closely with for years.  The closeness was a derivative from the need to connect with others within a very small community.  I did not enjoy listening to endless updates about what was going on with the lives of people that I did not even know!  I gave my time away to useless deeds for a significant period of time.  I did not have the courage to hurt people. It was easier to waste my own time.  Guilt would be the consequence of that act.  I was not choosy and became incidental.  The truth of the matter is that some relationships do need to die.  There is no right and wrong to this.  When relationships merely exist, they are not worth my treasure.  Life is too short to be surrounded by people and activities that emit toxins and bereave personal growth.  It is better to be alone in silence than to be a somnambulistic stand-alone in a crowd. It is better to sleep and rest than to be engaged in weary conversations. 

I have now learned to be choosy and deliberate.  I let relationships go.  I let possessions go.  I am free from clutter. The incremental steps taken from changing my environment, cutting off relationships, to finally quitting my job,  has transformed my thoughts as to how I want my life to be. I have the power to make it lighter and brighter. I  am starting anew.  Having moved away from a miserable ghetto and am now ready to embrace an array of psychedelic experiences.  It is an intimate choice!

My Takeaway

No words can convey a message more profoundly than the picture below.  This is a reminder of our reckless pursuits that wreck our conscience for the rest of our life.
 



Recently, I used this metaphor to express my distaste of a clinical email received from an ex-co-worker.  I am learning again!  How could I not expect such a thing to happen (my common exclamation)? Why am I so constantly astonished by the acts of idiots?  In reality, it is not their fault when they act this way. But my ignorance to expect less of their contemptuous behavior.  Dealing with people who are perpetually tuned to survival mode level, needs self-reflection and awareness. Pause is necessary in times of adversity.  It rejuvenates me to my own center.  I try to convert my negative energy into creativity when I have to tackle the unsavory situation.  It is a common story of corporate bitterness and reclaiming their last word when a key employee leaves abruptly.  I am thankful for this experience which allowed me respond thus:

 "You are taking away only some money that rightfully belongs to me. You are welcome to it if it pleases you and if it helps to push you one notch up the ladder.  You know it is dirty money and will haunt you for the rest of you life.  We answer our deeds to the higher authority.  It is a fact that I exceeded by 5 days (not 6) of my vacation days last year. But it is a truth that you promised to reinstate and was already approved.  And yet, you allowed your venomous pretense to emerge with the tune from the snake charmer's flute.

To you, I want to say, protect your conscience consciously.  You chose to be the photographer fixated on your lens.  The person I know would have picked up my phone calls, and also called me and explained her predicament to me.  Not the pseudo person in avoidance that I have experienced since my departure from the company, when you did not respond to my message.  Instead I received an officious note.  I considered you a friend and you let me down.  I am overjoyed that I am done with you. I do not have to live my working life in an amputated-spirit environment of a somnambulist.  I have a meaningful and bountiful future ahead. I wish you all the best and that you get all that you deserve in this life and after.

I can tell you with authority that I am at peace with myself.  I walk away untethered and fearless without needing to seek forgiveness from the highest realm.  You have your recourse of going to your church(es) and cleansing your sins multiple times in a week.  You can espouse your religious ideals, by reaching out to help people in need by doing charitable acts.  However religion starts inside and manifests into humanity from the inner. True religion awakens us."

I have learned again that no one can take away my state of joy.  Not getting what is rightfully mine does not make me a loser.  Harboring vindictiveness against an unaware person is hoping that a blind person can use the lamp to see. 

Detachment

I was never a person to give things away.  Neither was I a person that would spend on others.  In essence, my internal battle of becoming worse off by giving always won.  It did not occur to me that giving is healing. It took many years to learn how to reciprocate to generosity.  Logic, calculations and expectations are not part of it.  The inherent good feeling arising from giving is total thankfulness and lightheartedness! 

When my apartment became furniture free, I was not devoid of any remorse, all alone in the empty space of the apartment.  In reality, I enjoyed the sacred emptiness of tranquility.  The stillness of space resonated so well with my state of being. Just BE. 

When it was time to go through all my belongings, it was a challenge indeed.  How should I use discernment to distinguish the worthy and the non-worthy? What does each of my personal belonging mean to me? All this time, it was not necessary to dispose them as the space was there, and there was no impetus to review my cumulative inventory! Confronted with time, space and budget, I shortlisted items that have high start-up cost in terms of time and money, and items that were not easily re-purchasable.  Basically, a list of items that I actually need and are still useful to me now and will be later!  If I had consciously made an effort to review the things around me, I would have lesser clutter.  The space would open the door to reinforce my own center and be contented. 

It was a great realization to know that I will always have enough and in abundance. But I fell prey to greed and non-awareness and kept accumulating things. After all, if I cut the umbilical cord of importance on possessions, there will be no life growing out of it. I have finally detached from my many possessions. Detachment is freedom of the highest degree. The feeling of unencumbered mobility is simply expressionless in words. It is time to draw out the master key and stop searching for duplicates to substitute the meaningfulness of life. I have learned again, life is to be lived!

Walking Away

The first two weeks of August passed outside my comfort zone. I made work my life and stayed within the familiarity of my external surroundings, the regular type of conversations with colleagues, and the habitual type of interactions with customers, and the predictable type of communications with civil servants.  Executing such tasks is not difficult, as they become an embedded daily routine. 

I decided to walk away abruptly from it all. That is the only way to go considering the circumstances I have been put through.  It was my choice to make a quick exit. I was persuaded to reconsider my decision, and even to make a smooth transition with many lucrative offers.  But this time, there was no compromise. I listened to what they had to say but did not allow any of them to sway me from my firm decision.  This time, it is all about me.  I made it that way.  However, I was perturbed by one remark received - "I am ESCAPING".

I pondered about this verb thrown in  my face.  I deliberated as to how I handled myself in such situations when I had to make unlikeable decisions. At the same time, I was also enlightened by the misrepresentation made by the other person, who obviously had done a hear-say analysis.  How could he know more than what I had to go through?  And how could he feel and know my reality?

My unlikeable decision benefited me in its entirety. It was a manifestation of years of tolerance and patience with my toxic environment.  To the person who believed I was escaping, he knew so little.  I am only a very tiny part of the vast universe. When the time came to act, the universe helped me boundlessly.  It cleared away the gravestones and let me walk away steadily with dignity. 

My deep self-respect prohibits me from prolonging my sufferings, and wasting my time in meaningless activities and "zombifying" me. I want to live life with meaningful pursuits which will empower me to become a better human being.  To know that it is achievable, makes nothing impossible, for I am possible!