Relating

Meeting new people and being comfortable with them is a skill which I am slowly and surely developing. These past seven years have forced me to come out of my withdrawn self and to meet and engage individuals from three continents. Relating with individuals is so different in France from America, even more different in China and Borneo! I have to adjust according to the local cultural values and priorities, the status of the individual, the context in which we were relating, the expectations both parties had and most of all the need to make the other comfortable.

As a student, I found relating to peers very challenging as most were much younger and as such had a completely different approach to life than I did. As a mother, I have to host a series of cognitive disparities in our random discussion topics about friends, fashion, beauty, education, technology etc. with a malleable teenager.

Endurance is the breath to harmonize the conversations before remorseful eruptions would occur. Patience is the antidote to the mind that this phase is ephemeral and like everything else, this too will pass. Communing with my small coterie of intimate friends is heartily virtual. Life has brought us to different places and assigned us different responsibilities and priorities but we have not lost our common values of caring and sharing. Indeed, it is the connection of the hearts rather than a case of logorrhea.  

Relating with people is actually a purposeful affair. It requires careful articulation. Being sensitive to the other/s is particularly necessary to relate meaningfully. After all, time is a scarce resource. I am learning to use it wisely. Be it a thought or a talk.

Being Normal

My greatest challenge is to be normal in a social setting. Most of the times I am just quiet. I am not a storyteller but am slowly changing. I realized many many years ago the importance of storytelling. Relating with people is about meaningful conversations. It hurt deeply when one accused me of not being able to converse and concluded that I would not be able to teach! It irked me that they felt posited to judge me.

It puzzled me as to how happy I become when listening to other people's stories. But it did not help in my growth of relating with other people. Stories keep conversations going. Stories help to elucidate who you are to people. Stories enhance inter-personal exchange of experiences. Traveling cultivates storytelling skills. It is an avenue whereby you meet strangers with no strings attached and will start you telling them your stories!

I resolve to master the art of communicating effectively while keeping intact my true self without over indulgence in conversations.  I know that I am fully capable of conveying, expressing, directing, explaining and engaging the many that come to me and emerge the storyteller in me. I have much to share!

Trusting Oneself

A new day has dawned for me. Four years of academic rigor and living out of a suitcase in 3 continents: America, Europe and Asia, I have finally completed my terminal degree and landed my dream job of teaching in a small university in a rural part of the country. The journey has been both trans-formative and challenging.

I learned to trust myself and with it the Universe. Having to perform tasks I had no idea would be required was at times mind boggling. There is so much about writing a doctoral dissertation. I had to learn from scratch. Stayed locked in for weeks reading literature written by those that came before me was daunting.

Then came the need to move from France to China to complete  a field research and required meeting industry professionals to seek their support in identifying gatekeepers and organizations that were to become 6 case studies. Having completed all this in record breaking 9 months, a huge blow was delivered when the French jury found my work too applied for their taste! They did not bother to note that this had to be the approach as my research was funded by the European Commission via the Marie Curie Foundation which explicitly required me to investigate European companies entering China's environmental protection sector.

My trust in the Universe paid dividends when I was offered a new full scholarship to complete my degree at an Australian university! As if this was not challenging enough, my efforts at securing a full time teaching position in the town I now call home and having recused myself from other offers some distance away, required even more trust. I can now feel the blessings of the Universe and remain grateful for all the help, guidance, support and love I have received from the many that were sent to lift and see me to the shore.

Learning to Teach

I sat as a silent observer for this fall semester. Teaching requires emotional intelligence to integrate young adults embedded by traditional experiences as a result of differences in cultural background into one wholesome family. They have different world views. Thus, different forms of interpretation due to personal and social biases. Let alone, the interpretation of the true value of education.

This semester, I saw how this one big family has transformed and changed universally because of the strategy used in teaching. It was a pull strategy, to push them upwards to greater challenges. It means inculcating the values of self-discipline and self-respect into each and every endeavor they undertake, beginning from being seated in class a few minutes before it starts. It means empowering them to stand up and speak out about their research assignments and to share their knowledge with their peers. It means to care that they learn qualitatively. It entails tremendous fortitude to want to succeed in learning.

I am in awe of the professor. He is merciless and relentless in conveying the essence of learning in every session. He reinforces it consistently. I saw the pay-offs! The students transformed indeed. It is a true story. I am inspired by them. I saw enthusiastic voluntarism, pride and eagerness to share knowledge. Fear of speaking to a class became history. In fact, it develops into confidence. I saw creativity through presentations on out of course materials. The amount of laughter and knowledge we gained from these presentations is out of this world. Seriously, would anyone be motivated to do things without being rewarded? How often do we want or feel like indulging in creative work for ourselves? Creativity requires tremendous efforts which few are willing to make.

This brings me back to my favorite quote: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."  The students' mind is constantly challenged to a quick realization that "I don't know much!" Just by this realization, we can either fan our inner flame to deepen our knowledge or let it dissipate and compromise our potential to be a better learned human being while traversing our journey on this earth.

Paradox

In a recent presentation to a class of college seniors, I was asked: "Why did you choose teaching as a profession?" On an informal occasion that had occurred earlier, I was caught in a debate: "How can you teach when you do not converse?" How should I make out the latter question? I just wanted to eat shit and die! 

I am at the final stage of my PhD and am resolved to apply exclusively for teaching positions. I want to teach. A few years ago, I decided to pivot my life toward learning and knowledge building. I had quit industry three years ago and started my academic life.

Overnight, I let go of my work-identity which defined who I was by colleagues, friends or strangers. The identity that created and consumed conversations. The identity that is so onerous and unreal. Honestly, how often have we used our identity, earned or borrowed, to drive conversations these days? Little regard to whether the conversation are reckless or mindful, so long as we are onymous.

I am enjoying being an anonymous person in an unfamiliar context which would become familiar soon. I am a mother, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a student, a researcher, and yet I am not all these. Who then, am I?

This question either intrigues or annoys conversationalists. The former would likely explore me to the abyss and the latter would probably crucify me to confession. Coming back to: Why did you choose teaching as a profession? An extract of my teaching philosophy is reproduced below:

"A teacher is a committed learner and understands that when it comes to learning, there is no finishing line. Teachers must be able to embed this understanding in their teaching to stir the intellect. I strive to reawaken and stimulate students to think about the meaning and the true value of education."

I told the class: "I strive to pay back what I have learned from my own education and global experience to make a difference which can change and transform students’ lives." 

My own life has been just that...TRANSFORMED BY A GREAT TEACHER!

The Outsider

My journey has brought me to another abode, a place of lush greenery and the cohort is mostly indigenous people of various cultures fitting into a common socio-cultural identity. Their lifestyle choices are limited to the economic opportunities bestowed upon them. The surviving class is the lesser educated performing menial jobs that yield little disposable income which does not go beyond the basic necessities. A lot of time is spent in transportation because timeliness is not a pride to behold by the service providers. The public should wait endlessly and helplessly at the mercy of the disorganized and dysfunctional transport company that has no social responsibility and respect for the people.

I am the outsider feeling for this surviving class. I experienced the lackadaisical transportation system and the indifferent attitude of the commuters. They have been immunized by the socio-cultural conditions and have accepted the low level of living i.e. wasting time is a norm. Little is done to empower the surviving class. It has limited education and thus no avenue to prosper inspirationally, let alone financially. Its economic life is a constant line of survival. It is the underdog that does not have any chance to redeem a better quality life that should be deservedly theirs.

As an outsider living in  their community, I feel the hollow deprivation and despondent stemming from lack of economic choices. Much has been taken for granted by us in the developed world. Good irrigation and sewage system, clean streets, pristine rivers, life conveniences emanate from a well developed infrastructure and a service oriented society. I feel the inconveniences and immense injustices of why should they be succumbed to such a standard of living. Like the community I have to live with it. It is temporal. This perception fuels my desire to develop myself to the fullest because I have economic choices. Unlike the community, the people are constrained and discontentedly content. Not going with the flow will be contentious. This is poverty to me because human capabilities remain undeveloped and left to wither in the wilderness. The flame of the human spirit is subdued in the landscape. 

Solitude

I feel the abyss of aloneness when contemplation seeps in. It is nauseous-like and I start asking myself why am I so daunted? I am used to aloneness. My environment breeds aloneness. My lifestyle subscribes to aloneness. My social network is a necessity to relate to people and does not compensate for aloneness Aloneness has always been my life journey.

Just these few days, I came to a halt at the bus-stop of aloneness. I felt the intensity and started to rationalize. We are used to be alone-less with the constant flow of distractions of various means. Our family and friends make up the nucleus of our being. We juggle between them and seek solace when we are afflicted with pain and setbacks in life. The cycle goes on.

Solitude is not loneliness. It is a soliloquy that emerges as positive and constructive for our mental state. It winnows our thoughts to regain perspective. It rejuvenates our being and makes us feel wholesome and alive. It permeates our web of distractions and challenges to decelerate our daily life that is dictated by regimented schedules.

As we reflect in solitude, we will feel the peace and appreciate the deep silence that rises to calm our mind. It is threshold towards a sustaining and rewarding relating with our true inner friend.

Language of the Universe

The events of 2015 have been eventful. I have celebrated and witnessed the few Chinese traditions from Spring Festival in February, Dragon Boat Festival in June to the 7th month Ghost Festival between August and September. The mid-Autumn Festival is just round the corner on September 27. The sweetest part is that I have experienced them in different cities of the world. After being devoid of such celebrations for decades, I have been wheeled back to the region of my motherland.

My life in 2015 has been intrinsically experiential and mindfully challenging. In the language of the mind, I would want to climb to the pole of destruction and never would want to land on my feet. I would want to be suspended and let life stop. Let all the blessed good that have happened be buried by the series of blows of one major setback. But this mind therapy is ineffectual.

Change is such a powerful phenomenon. We can either embrace it and be open to uncertainty or evade it and remain unchanged. Change is a hidden spice to add flavor to our life. It forces us to accept the reality as it is and move on and reconnect with the "what is"now! The "what is" now comprises of decisions followed by actions that encompass the execution of the change. Evading change is like asking time to stand still while we continue to be self-consumed in the pseudo reality that things are still the same. How much time would have been wasted in this impasse?  

As I grow older in number, I realize that time is truly sacred and it is speeding by. I choose to do my best meaningfully and be prepared for the worst. There is no time to be a hapless victim of circumstances. The language of the Universe is such that if we want something so badly, it will conspire and help us to the very end. Fear and fretfulness are stemmed out from insecurity and leaving our comfort zone. Each step further from our comfort zone, is one step closer to the Universe. 

Nature Always Wins

I was expecting my friend’s father to be holding a placard with my name outside the railway station. I checked my cell phone many times and there were no messages or missed calls. Everything's looking good, I thought to myself. I saw a sweet familiar face standing out in a crowd of eager looking men. It was my friend. I realized later that the men were private drivers offering their services and she was haggling over the fare to her home including one stop at the hospital. Private transportation fares doubled and trebled during the Lunar New Year festive period. We walked away from the touts. Our act caused a response from one skinny lanky man who came after us and directed us into his royal blue Volkswagen Golf. His price was right.  I was rather glad because I had noticed his car earlier. It stood out as the newest among the rest of the cars at the parking lot. It had a sense of safety. 

The stop at the hospital was to pick up my friend's mother and sister-in-law who had given birth to a baby girl a day earlier. The birth was expected on 9^th day of the Lunar New Year, but nature had other plans. I had to reboot my cell phone to receive three messages and two missed calls that my friend had made. I did not receive any of her updates during the 18 hour journey.  The flow of events had changed upon arrival of the new born. I ended up greeting her parents at the gate of the hospital and congratulating them as first-time grandparents. Nature always wins. We will win too if we cooperate with nature and allow it bring us to the unexpected.  

As we entered the road to my friend’s house, there were unfinished but occupied brick houses on both sides of the roads. Most houses had red lanterns hanging outside the main door. My friend's 3 story-high concrete house was conspicuously located at the end of the small countryside road. A big foyer precedes the entrance of the house. Barricades of pomelo trees guard the house.  The ripened fruits were strewn on the grass and permanently abandoned there.   

 The little two month old plushy puppy and the proud roosters were roaming freely in the open compound. The entrance to the house is the common eating area. The floor is of hard concrete and brutally cold. Throwing litter, pouring water, and spitting on it are perfectly normal. It is swept a few times in the day.  I arrived on the eve of the Lunar Goat Year, the most meaningful last day of the Lunar Year when all family members meet for reunion meal. Firecrackers and fireworks had already started exploding during the day. The mother lit up a long train of firecrackers to welcome her newborn granddaughter. The explosion was deafening and lasted for nearly two minutes.  

Our reunion was lunch of 7 dishes laid down on an unfinished wooden table. They were predominantly meat dishes: pork, dog, and goose. Apparently eating dog meat is as common as eating pork and it costs more. The meat was not deboned before cooking. The fish were drawn from the well and cooked in its entirety. It makes sense to me now why Chinese spit so naturally. They swallow the meat and spit out the bones. Vegetables were fresh from the vegetation. Coal is used for cooking. Water is drawn using a lever. Solar energy is used to heat cold water. Wifi for internet is available. 

The parents are one year younger than me. We are contrasting in our culture, language, education, habits, tradition, values and physique. Their world is the same place that they were born. The mother is a typical housewife: cleaning; cooking; raising children (now a grandchild); and attending to the family vegetable garden for self-consumption. She places everyone else’s needs before hers and is always the last to join us in the dining table. She is always in motion. The father is the breadwinner engaging in physical laborious work. His contentment is for the family to have a solid roof over their heads and more than enough to eat and live. His indulgence is 'baichiu' (white liquor). He was happy that I drank with him! We broke the norm and drank during breakfast. 

We are from two different social structures. They are born to be married and procreate at a very young age (from 17-21 on the average). Not having family and children is considered a shame and embarrassment to the parents and the source of gossip. The social stigma is so entrenched that it has created a demand for unqualified matchmakers. Young adults would desperately seek their services to get themselves hooked up to secure a family life. Otherwise pressure is imminent. The golden age years are sacrificed in rearing children.  Mid-life crisis is not relevant because grand-parenthood takes over by that time. It is difficult to break away from the cycle because it entails opportunities and risks. They are not given the opportunities to know the risks. Their life has been sewn by the societal needle that pins their roles to the different life stages. 

The parents and I are three people born and raised in different geographical regions. We are equals as humans and yet distinct in our lifestyles. Their purpose in life is to take care of their family in the same way that their ancestors did except that now they are exposed to modern technology such as washing machine, microwave, TV, internet. They did not have a choice to further their education because of limitations. They know of the world outside theirs but are not envious. 

They accept their destiny and work hard to sustain life. They are content to be where they are by making the most of what they have. In our world, we have too much of everything. Ours is quantity-living in a tight space and theirs is simple quality- living in a vast space with nature. Our security is in our accumulated possessions because of our higher purchasing power. Their security is in their family and community. Our distraction is digital technology and theirs is to gather to play cards. Our main door is closed and latched, their door is open until bedtime. We are strangers in our own community, they know all their neighbors.

I admire the parents’ openness and warmth towards me, accepting me quickly as part of their family. They did not discourage their daughter (my friend) from pursuing advance education in Beijing. She could have been coerced to get married. My friend is the only one in the extended family who is still studying at 25. They do not feel that they are a notch up anyone else just because their daughter is going to earn a doctoral degree in three years. She is probably the only one that has attained to this level of education within the community. Despite our cultural differences, we did not feel any sense of awkwardness with each other. They were not pretentious in front of me. We respected our differences and went with the flow. 

Joyous Reunion

At long last, I arrived at Beijing Railway Station, the day before the eve of the Lunar Goat Year, February 17, 2015. I was expecting the traffic of people to congest the entrance to the station and be polluted by screams and shouts. To the first of my pleasant surprises, the crowd was cooperative and everyone could walk into the station in an orderly fashion. I was expecting to bump my way to get into the train. However, I did not experience any tiny bit of hassle. I realized that I have let precious knowledge decide that I should encounter similar experience as reported in the media about Chinese New Year travel in China. Without making this trip, I would not have dispelled my knowledge and substituted it with the real experience of traveling in the overcrowded Chinese world. I joined the hundreds of millions of locals in this eventful journey.  
 
I started the first leg. It was a 14 hour train journey from Beijing to Nanchang, Jiangxi Province. To my pleasant second surprise, boarding began more than 45 minutes prior to departure time! This was unusual as normally it begins much closer to the departure. The carriage was fully occupied and so were the luggage racks. I had to push mine under the seat at the hint of one of the local passengers. People are going home to reunite with their families on this auspicious festive season. It is the celebration of the entire country. 

The people in my carriage were mostly family members of at least three traveling together. They were blue-collar workers and neatly dressed. They brought with them big bags of snacks that occupied the small table shared by six people. Noise and the festive spirit permeated the entire journey. Shouting across the carriage was a normal occurrence. Watching personal movies without headphones is tolerated. Spitting on the floor is a natural phenomenon. Meals were simply gigantic sized instant noodles in colorful packaging. After 14 hours, the floor of the train was carpeted with glittering litter of empty cans, distorted paper packages, smashed nutshells and dirty napkins of various sizes! The drowsy commuters woke up to the last day of the year of the horse and ushered their way out of the train in high spirits. I waited out to the hall of Nanchang Railway Station at 5 am and waited till 7.15 am for the second leg of my journey to connect to my final destination, Guixi, Nanchang district, Jiangxi Province. I arrived two hours later.

Despite the lack of sleep for the last 18 hours, I felt joyful. A little celebration had begun inside me. I was looking forward to be in a place with people who are culturally different from me. When the opportunity came to visit them, I did all I could to secure the train tickets. Indeed I was blessed to be able to buy tickets to my destination within a short time frame. There were many passengers who stood along the aisle waiting for others to leave their seats temporarily. One of the passengers waited patiently for his seat to be relinquished. Their eyes met and both smiled amicably to each other when the lady realized that the man standing near her was the owner of the seat. One husband gave up his seat so that his wife could rest in a sleeping position. Two young adults sat next to me and shared an entertainment program on iPad. The family of three sitting opposite me took turns to give up their seats so that the son and the father could sleep. I was touched by the humanity. 

Some passengers brought their own traveling stools but had to excuse themselves very frequently to free the aisle for walking passengers. They were willing to put up with the inconvenience just to catch that short moment of restfulness. The tolerance level of the Chinese is indeed remarkable. The family reunion is such a symbolic occasion in the Chinese culture that every pain is endured even if it means paying to stand on the train to reach the destination. It costs the same as a ticket with seat. As much as the Chinese are regarded generally to be uncouth, they have their own little acts of communal kindness.

My ordeal of getting the tickets started three weeks before the New Year. I had to constantly monitor the on-line tickets many times daily. Frequent trips were made to the railway ticket counter to check the spot tickets' availability. It is indeed true that when we want something, the entire Universe will conspire to help us. The Universe conspired to help me to find train tickets when it seemed remote. We cannot see the invisible that works behind our sight that is leading us on our mysterious journey. It is a miracle of life. If only we allow it to happen and let go our tension that is caused by the need to control every circumstance that falls upon us.

Know, Say, Do

When one reaches contemplation, then awareness is born.  Without awareness, we are in sleeping mode and indulging in unnecessary chats that could have misleading and destructive impact on ourselves and others.

Once we know our inner-self in depth, comfort talking will cease. We will contemplate fully before any utterance.  We will speak less and contemplate more.  The more we contemplate the lesser the necessity to speak the greater the silence.  The state of silence is to be our own witness. 

We are conscious about the significance of our thoughts and their translation into words and actions. We think twice before we  indulge in generalizations and continue to think and speak untruth and believe so firmly in it. Consequently, we keep navigating the misery map. 

I realized I was sliding down the untruth path until I became aware of how it had become the center of my thoughts.  How I blocked out reality and living in delusion became second nature. I am thankful that my awareness helps me to come out of this vicious cycle and now working on preventing one human being from being caught in the same wheel.

"Silence can be louder than words" it has often been proclaimed. Silence can be on the outside while inner chatter continues. I am striving towards both and the more difficult is to be silent inside. All kinds of thought and discussion continue in the mind even when we are alone. I am trying to be at peace with myself and learning to watch my thoughts more and engage them less.

Security

There are two facets of security. The tangibles that are attached to objects derived from career, social status, family, house, car and more. The intangibles are less obvious but could surface in a person's demeanor such as attitude, sensitivity, perception, outlook, and much more. 

We feel secure because our future is determined by the net future value of our current possessions. We feel secure because when we grow old, our family is there to take care of us and send us home. We feel secure because when we go home, there is enough left to take care of our remaining family.

I have been thinking about me, family, and security. How do I think? How do I act? How do I feel? What do I do? Who are in my plans? Who am I answerable to? How do I decide? What motivate me? Who cause me misery and pain? Who give me happiness? Who stop me from my dreams? What are my fears? What make me insecure? 

As a matter of fact, looking back, I have always been thinking and acting alone intuitively. Some lessons were painful because time was wasted and growth stifled. Caused pain to loved ones for sure, but the consequences of failure and pain were mine alone. Sitting with pain without trying to fix it, is a mind challenging affair and can be an emotional nuisance. Hiding and avoiding is a preferred choice.

Having said that, at least I have experienced the realization that courage is not the absence of fear of failure and pain. Courage is the freedom to live the good and bad experiences and move on. Courage is not hinged on the family posture. Fear is. Honestly, what is fear? Fear is a social hypothesis of a calculated outcome based on perceptions and past experiences. In reality, we as human beings, hypothesize a great deal but yet to reach meaningful findings. Just because we do not act! 

To answer my self-probing questions, truly, I am my own unique package of dreams, happiness, sadness, misery, security, motivation, fear, and pain. Only when I am securely fastened within, no other tangibles can be a threat to me. No one else is accountable for my own package of being. I am. Not family, not career, not my possessions. I can decide either to nest in the security of the thick clouds or be free to ride on the rainbow of colors into the unknown. 

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place." - Nora Roberts

A Board and a Chair on Wheels

Pain is the best teacher. So is travel. In pain, we learn in silence. In travel, we learn by direct observations. We create our own opportunity to interact with strangers. We learn that strangers are not as intimidating as what we think they are. We are more bold in actions abroad when home. We let loose naturally. We are not so self-conscious about making mistakes. We compare a lot. The phenomenon is the same as when we are intoxicated. Everything is pleasant and real. When we become sober, it is a time of introspection when the differences of both worlds become obvious.

I was in a sardine-packed train and the screeching noise was discrediting the service of the in-built passenger announcements that notifies the arrival of the train at each station. Then the herd started to spread out in unison and slowly a stream of music amplified the carriage I was in. To my relief, it deafened the noise immediately. But it was short-lived by the reality in front of my eyes. The gap that sandwiched the crowd was a horizontal man on a board with wheels. He was surfing on his arms with two lifeless legs being dragged on the floor. He was coping to balance himself with the music recorder on one hand and a fist-sized bowl on the other. He was earning his living. I was too timid and fearful to look at him directly. Shamelessly, neither did I contribute to his rice bowl.

What I saw then was creativity and the determination to live. Instead of wriggling through like a snail or be lifted like an emperor, in order to survive he has no choice but to improvise. To survive means to create functions that facilitate the means of earning. This resulted in the board on wheels. While a board on wheels is synonymous to recreation in the developed world, it is a utility for the disadvantaged. The disadvantaged  either give up or are determined to cross the threshold to live. They defy their harsh circumstances fraught with immense inconveniences. I saw another who looked very tired and simply gave up. Passed by him twice on different occasions. He was motionless and asleep in the sultry summer. His empty bowl was next to his tireless and sun-baked body. He did not care if he would have enough to sustain his broken body but it was apparent that he did not have the zeal to drag himself further to a better slumber. A stark contrast of the will to live between the two of them.

Travel is our third eye which heightens our sight to gain a deeper understanding of the other world which we hear and read about, but have not experienced it ourselves. The experiences that I encountered with the disadvantaged (there were numerous) reinforce my realization that there is always someone worse off than ourselves. A half-paralyzed person on a wheelchair is seemed to be more privileged than a half-paralyzed person on a board with wheels. A person with bad shoes is more privileged than a person with no feet. A healthy person has the liberty to choose to use a board on wheels standing vertically or lying horizontally anytime. But a underprivileged disadvantaged has no choice. It is a permanent fixture. We tend to lose our sense of appreciation toward things we already have and grieve about our own living conditions. If we pause a bit and think, "what have we done to be given a full body of life?" Nothing actually.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

Having it All

"Life is not a career." This quote is so poignant. Work is a necessary evil to keep us economically sound. It facilitates a social avenue of exchange. It validates us of who we are in the society. It drives us to become who we want to be. We focus relentlessly on our work because it provides the financial means to acquire and indulge in the better things in life. Our mind does not know more than what we can see in the societal background.

The cost to the better things in life is a burial of our true SELF. I made work my life. I became rooted into the etiquette of work. In other words, I was purely existing and not living. Living means creativity. It means to contribute and add value to our life. Health is life. Eating well, keep fit, thinking positive are the value- added ways to enhance our well-being. I lived as if I was immortal and all hell would break loose if I departed from my lifestyle then.

I created substantial hazards out of  that lifestyle and this made me realize that I am another perishable. I finally discontinued that lifestyle. I reckoned spending time with myself is a very thoughtful act for my SELF. Languishing in an infertile environment will not bring new harvest. So I started my journey of living in trust. The mind will create doubt. It is unconventional to let go of what we perceive as the better things in life. Attachments, materialism and indulgences are the mind's tricks to keep us away from embarking into the unknown. It takes a little bit of awareness to know that life is not all of these. Life is dynamic and fluid. If only we surrender to life. Life is the change that we fear to be connected with. This is where trust comes in. Surrender is the key to having it all!

Less is More

We have lived our lives with the idea that "more is better." But this is an illusion, a phantasma. We feel that the more things we have, the happier we will be. We are always wanting a larger home, a bigger car. We accumulate what we already have and continue to acquire new things or newer version of the same thing. We don't seem to be able to handle empty space very well. As soon as it is available, hoarding takes over. We are hoarding our most valuable space with possessions.

We are fighting for time, and wish we had more, and in the process never have enough. We seek more friends and contacts effortlessly via social media with the assumption that a greater network will give us more security, more warmth. We make our lives complicated finding things to do to remain occupied as doing nothing is considered negative and seldom pause to reflect if what we are 'doing' is part of our nature.

I reflected upon myself using these indicators: house; friends; tasks; time; and food. Why these? Because they are the necessary conditions for us to exist and co-exist with others. My home now consists of only the bare essentials to live comfortably. No fixture belongs to me. I live with what I am given and included a few necessities that add value and convenience to my daily living. My friends are not in close proximity. As a result, I am very much by myself. No functions, no appointments, no telephone conversations, no involvement with whatsoever and whoever to occupy my time. The best part is I have all the time to focus on myself and I am loving every bit of it. In other words, I am living with myself and I am my own manager of time.

I love and enjoy food. My eating habit has changed a great deal due to a gastroesophagael acid reflux that compels me to eat lesser but more frequently. In the early days of suffering, I had to note down every single food that I ate and strike it off my list of permissible food. Today, I choose my groceries selectively and avoid any kind of food that is deemed to be unhealthy. Eating is enjoying. Only gratifying the tongue will upset our overall well being.

Pilates is an exercise that I endeavor daily. It is meditation for me. It allows me to shift my mind to my breath as I engage in my body movement. It is a form of living the NOW and not let the mind stray to the past and future thoughts. I reckon if I can live in the NOW in 30 minutes of Pilates, gradually the NOW will manifest naturally in whatever I do. It is my methodology to live in the NOW and it works for me. So is one hour of power walking along the riverside nearby my home.

Having less does not mean a lower quality of life. In truth, we gain quality in terms of time, space and contentment. Our heart is not burdened by the affairs of others for the less we know the better it is for us. Our eyes are not sore by the sight of the clutter surrounding us. Our time does not need to be shared in fruitless conversations. We have to realize that except us, no one else is truly interested in us. To live a life according to the precepts of the world of conditions is as good as walking in shackles outside the prison cell. We will not move forward as we will always need to return to our own prison of comfort. The choice is ours.

Gratitude: The Only Prayer

A deep thought, nay a realization, makes me sit up in deep remorse. Why am I so ungrateful? What is gratitude? Why is it so difficult to manifest it in our daily life? In the English language, it means "feelings of thankfulness and appreciation". I relate better with the description of gratitude in the Pali language, katannuta. Kata means that which has been done, especially to oneself, and annuta means knowing or recognizing. Essentially, katannuta means 'acknowledging the benefit' that one has received. Only by recognizing the benefit that has been bestowed upon us, then can we feel it and thus be grateful to the benefactor. The key is to acknowledge the benefit that has been received by us.

Ironically, we do not even realize that life itself is a gift. Mother nature is always reminding us that we are a part of the whole. We do our part and the whole will take care of the rest. Unfortunately, our human nature keeps seeking for more. And when we receive, we forget very quickly. We never have enough. We are lower than even the dog who is more loyal and grateful than us!

There are many reasons for ingratitude but the four most significant are: not seeing a benefit as a benefit; taking benefits for granted, egotism, and forgetfulness. Our ego asserts that what we have benefited, is owed to us. Thus we do not recognized them as benefits. We take what we have received for granted and forget them easily. The cycle of ingratitude continues.

We already have so much – eyes that see, a mind that evaluates and contemplates, breath that keeps us alive, access to food, clothing and water and much that we take for granted. Yet, we do not pause to say a silent prayer to the Universe that gives us all? I am asking myself: how can I reciprocate the kindness and wonderful gifts that are continuing to shower over my ungrateful self?

Gratitude starts at home. We can be grateful to our parents by giving as much to our children as our parents gave to us. Most importantly, gratitude has to be expressed. Buddha expressed his gratitude to the Bodhi tree that sheltered him. We can share our love, our positiveness, our fortune, our happiness, our prayer, our wisdom with people, with animals, with rocks, with the oceans. Seeing the beauty in all that is before us and not pick on trivia that does not jive with us. A gratitude expressed by sharing with others is a way to repay to the Universe for all the we have.

One special thought hit me: I can be grateful by improving myself everyday. I must do all I can to grow and rise to the highest I am capable of. I must live in gratitude constantly. The quote below is more than two thousand years old and is still so true:

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.” – Buddha

Changing Selfishly

Many years ago, I turned down a job offer because I chose to cling to my old job and was asked by the prospective employer "are you afraid of change?" I chortled about his comment and did not delve much into it. I know of one, who is my old me. Had the opportunity but chose to remain stuck.

Three major changes have occurred in my life. The first change was based on naivety. It was built upon a hope that the pasture is always greener the other side. Over the years, my hope did not become a verdure. The second change came when I realized that if I continued to live by the conventional and traditional societal expectations, my growth would be stalled. The third change was pivotal because it was necessary for the sake of another human being.

In the days when life was permeated with anguish and dissatisfaction, a lot was at stake if I chose selfishly. Not only that, I did not see myself embracing the consequences and having the courage to move forward. A new paint in my life would have the context of scariness and possibly followed by a self-inflicted uncertainty. The economics of change were not to my benefit and would be a demise for others. I preferred to drink vapid tea.

Truly, who is responsible for my happiness? Or rather who is responsible for my life? I was struck with these questions with a convergent answer that came many years later. I am responsible. I started to view "selfish" and "change" constructively. I need to have first before I can give. I need to have love first before I can love. I need to be happy first before I can make others happy. I did everything opposite. I began to reverse my course of happiness and work to fill my emptiness

Changes are hidden opportunities that might not surface unless the first step forward is taken. What took me so long to embrace change? What were inhibiting me from change? It was me of course and my lack of trust that the Universe is bigger than my own world. If I take the first step, the Universe will lead the way.

Change is now welcome to me. I accept change. I have changed my life: my name, my place of abode, my profession, my friends, my attitude, my persona, my dressing, my mind, my prejudices, my attachments, my passions and compassions. I am no more the same!

Being Happy

I was a seeker of happiness because I was miserable. Nothing made me happy. All I did was to go through the daily motion of responsibilities and hoping that something would happen to make me happy. When it did happen, it lasted for a while. I kept looking out from different windows waiting for the star of happiness to shine upon me.

Needless to say, I did not find it because it does not exist as a lost and found item! The treasure of happiness has always been inside me. I was too wrapped up in my unhappiness burrito blanket to be able to see my own bad habit was to be unhappy.  

As I start changing, reflecting and living a more meaningful life, I am beginning to relate with these words "Happiness stems from the heart. It is not manifested from the external". I decided to be happy and not to follow any theory or textbooks to tell me what happiness is. It requires alertness to remain in a happy state for it is easy to fall. Furthermore, I am not to delegate my happiness to someone else. It is my responsibility to live my life in a way that will bring me happiness. So what is it?

Loving and respecting the self has opened my eyes to appreciate the wonders of life and to live deeply. It is very true that if I enjoy what I am doing, the act becomes a joy. As long as I am happy in whatever I am doing, the pursuit becomes meaningful.

" The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed"

Happiness is to know when to let go when the heart is wrenched and the hands are full. It is to enjoy the subtle solitude and fill it with gold mist. Happiness is the freedom to do what I want to do and be happy with it. It is to persist and persevere relentlessly against the odds.. To be happy is simply to be happy, be loving, be grateful, live fully and celebrate constantly.

A New Dawn

I am learning to live everyday anew and cast away the past of yesterdays. They serve no purpose to me other than adding an extra voice and baggage to my everyday living.  Past has to be dropped, otherwise the newness of the presence cannot be consummated into my being.

The ailment of our mind is to let the past convey dead messages that prevents us from moving forward. The mind is the master of registry that convene all our past and store them in a memory container. It is the reinforcement center to clarify doubts and justify our actions.

The past insulates our being from emerging. And yet, we love to apply past experiences to resolve our confronted issues everyday. Nothing is new. Not the people whom we know. Not the situations that we face. Not the trees and flowers that we pass by everyday. Not the chirping of the birds we hear in the morning. We regard them as if they have never changed in form and action. In reality, changes occur every moment. Moments are unique because they never recur.

The past does not uplift and add value to our life. To live in the past is to live in the mind. Our narrow mind is our little world. We often forget about the bigger world and constrain our capabilities to what we think we can do, and still not doing it. We magnify our problems based on our little world and forget about the magnitude of sufferings in the bigger world. I am one of them.

My new beginning entails living in awe and enrichment. I want to feel more and think less. First, I need to demolish built-in ideas about myself, others and situations. There is no need for ready made answer for everything. That is being defensive and robotic. Second, I need to "just be". Let myself be and let others be! Third, I want to relax in the fragrance of the moment. Grasp the moment and live to the fullest! 

Live, Laugh, Love

Respect is the highest form of honor endowed on us. I have observed and learned, respect is paramount in life. My own interpretation of respect begins with self-respect. It is the ability to maintain a graceful attitude towards myself and asserting calmness. Self-respect is to live with myself every moment in a loving state. Extending kindness to my being and accepting my own idiosyncrasies. In short, self-respect is to nurture my inner self in every way that will create equilibrium in my thoughts and actions.

Self-respect is to drop anger and stop hurting myself, and in the event, inflicting pain on others. It is valuing my own true worth and happiness. It means to eat, live, love and laugh wholeheartedly. It means to relate with constant respectfulness without segregating right and wrong. Relating without being respectful is demeaning and a depletion of life's energy. After all relating is an integral part of life and through it, I learn and experience the importance of respecting others. At times, the mouth wants to spit out the nastiness, but is held back because of respect. Respecting others is to take into considerations that their self-worth is as important as my own. It is futile to utter a disrespectful comment, what do I gain other than to satisfy the ego? The ego aspect is so senseless, so fake, so unreal. It is not my true self. It is the sheer emptiness of inner discontent that is exerted unconsciously. The reliance of the ego to validate my well being is a delusional phenomenon.

Responsibility for all my actions is necessary so that I do not blame others for my plight! It is a form of respect of my actions and take responsibility of them. It means to stop finding justifications for any uneventful occurrences and making myself a victim. Taking responsibility of my own action is the first step towards emancipation. The target is myself. There is no need to shoot the arrow somewhere else. When I have the courage to make myself responsible for my own actions, I am free to find my own solution and confront the consequences.

Life is experiential and has to be lived to the fullest and be the best in all endeavors! The antidote to Live, Laugh and Love is self-respect. I am my own happiness and misery, and no one else is responsible for them. Only I am.