Balance

 

The pandemic gong has been reverberating throughout the atmosphere and is far from abating. Basic human activities of livelihood, education, socialization, consumption, commutation have been reorganized to a virtual phenomenon. The paradigm shift rewards us with more ME time but requires us to be discerning in our thoughts and activities. So that we remain healthily bound in body, mind, and soul. 

I have been largely successful in finding a daily balance between the necessary evil (work that embodies teaching, researching and writing) and indulgences including daily skincare routine, bodily stretches, long walks, reading, and watching dramas.  Other than enjoying the aesthetics of things and the creativity in dramas, looking out for the messages conveyed is my telos. At times, I procrastinated writing them down and ended up spending more time finding the episode that relayed the message. Friends said that I am stimulating my inner stressors in a supposedly relaxing indulgence. Regardless, it sparks joy in the process of finding meanings in a guilty pleasure that is time- and attention consuming. One odd message seems very deep to me: A good parent is one who stays healthy. A good parent shouldn't endure pain and save money for their children. It invokes self-remembrance. 

Pray that 2022 will not be a 2020 too. Two years on, the pandemic season should increase our civic mindedness to protect ourselves and others. Our health has become more vulnerable than ever. 

Palindrome

After a long lapse in avoiding political news, the official memorial held to honor and acknowledge the COVID deaths of over 400,000 Americans  shot straight into my heart. I know, the empathetic arrow finally hit me albeit late. The event was the final piece of the jigsaw to close the chapter of the past four years of mockery and erosion to humanity. 

Today, 1-20-21 is a notable palindrome day following the event yesterday. The pronouncement today by the new team transmits respect, inclusiveness, togetherness, graciousness, strength, truth, commitment, competence, purpose, and so much more. The bedrock of decency shrouded by dampening lies yields all mighty today.

I am far away from the celebrative Capitol but I feel so exhilarated and upbeat. Today could not have been a better date to officiate the restoration of the past four years of decay. I would not have imagined in just a day the penetrative darkness is eclipsed by this glowing palindrome: "Live on time, emit no evil." 

I Belong to Me

I came across "I belong to Me" in a K-drama's dialgoue and it expresses a lot of the decisions that I took in my life journey. This metaphor has diverse branches, each has its own meaning, direction and growth. My defiance from the societal expectations imposed on women's duties and responsibilities arising from the myriad hats that they put on to live, pivots on "I belong to Me."

To follow a patterned template is a natural tendency like a sunflower rising to the sun. I fell in,  yet broke away many times. until it became me. This happened when a peer in my Master's degree class once commented that I always likes to take the hard road because I chose to enroll in tough courses that others avoided.

Another interesting metaphor is about sounds, i.e., Sounds Disappears. This simple but deep answer was given by an audiophile to his 6-year old son when asked "Why do you like sound so much?" The father explained further that "once we adults admit that things disappear someday, we no longer get obsessed with useless things." This blew me away. Until then, sounds  for me were white noise. I was embarrassed by my sheer ignorance and floating shallowness.

The temptation for online purchases has never been greater than now, for the fortunate ones that have the capital to browse and buy. I have been doing a lot of  online shopping to keep informed about the various trends and therapies used by the retailers to entice their customers. I went as far as dropping the items in the cart but retreated by the soundwaves ringing in my left ear. 

"I belong to Me," in return, I let the other be: "You belong to You", He belongs to Him", "She belongs to Her,", and "It belongs to It."

Trapped

I realized that I am systemically trapped in my unawareness, and have inflicted frustrations upon myself. The receptionist at the optical counter categorized me as one of their eye patients which resulted in an hour's wait to pick up my prescription glasses. The employees of a gas station admitted to my face without any sense of remorse, that they failed to put up a notice of an inoperable air vending machine. I wasted my dollar and had to put back the valve caps composedly. 

This is one of the few chores that I dread. My tendency is to ensure that every task is completed successfully within the time allotted. I dislike inefficiency. I had to drive to the next vending machine where I was told there is a free service in an auto-care center where I need not even come out of my car! This turned out to be a silver lining. Lately these frustrations helped me realize my intolerant of inefficiency. This rocks my center. I have to change if I don't want to be the sucker that is feeling the one-sided hurt.

Lao Tzu put it so well: Before healing others, heal yourself. So I have to let people be and not cling to my past experiences. Just like a boat that has done its job carrying me ashore, I should abandon it and continue walking my path.

Men and Women

I was obsessed with this song "The Man" after watching a K-drama and listened to an one-hour long loop of the same song everyday possibly for a month. The main reason is he is my favorite actor and sings well. It led me to study the lyrics. Two words struck me - "beggarly love." Man is a beggar in the name of love.  

I returned to my reading and found this excerpt: Ordinarily there are men and women, but not human beings. To become a human being means to become a process, to become an inquiry, to become a passion for the impossible... a seeker, a seeker of truth. 

I enjoy photojournalism because it digs into the deeper issues depicted in the photos. For example, I read about the reckless disposal of Covid-19 biomedical waste that ended in the landfill which feeds impoverished families. I see helplessness and hopelessness in the people and I smell trash. That reminds me of a city landfill that I visited and the stench from a very far distance was acrid. Just imagine these people in close proximity everyday!

   

Now, this begs the question: are there more men and women than human beings in this pandemic era now? Indeed, men and women are those that defy processes, deny truth, and harvest lies that echo the ethos of We and You. If men and women respect processes for long term recovery, the futile debate of returning life to normal would not exist. Just follow the process and the result will speak for itself as we have seen in other countries. If biomedical waste was disposed as hazardous waste and incinerated, the impoverished families could continue their not so healthy livelihood. 

Human beings would see that we are interconnected and are therefore cognizant of the consequences of our actions. There is no We and You. There is Us and Unity. Rise as human beings but fall as men and women. I realize that to be a human being has to be earned by our actions.

Totality

Earlier in my journey I was reminded to see the totality and not to focus on the fragments. A fragmented mind is the curtain blocking the light at the end of the tunnel. I applied this principle in my workplace when I had to deal with cascading operational issues.

In this universal pandemic season, I reflected upon the totality of life. We see different behavioral coping mechanisms that people use to deal with the fatigue of too much time spent indoors. The reopening of beaches was life's essential and entitled human right. We see compliance and defiance attitudes toward a simple protective covering - face mask. Inconveniences are excruciating pain and sufferings. 

This totality principle is even more meaningful today. The physical depravity will pass once commercial activities resume to operable state or once a vaccine is found. Technology lets us satisfy our needs and desires through online products acquisition. We defer our physical contact but increase our virtual communication. We appreciate our cooking and treasure our dining out experience.

This pandemic is the fragment that catches our human life. When a beggar or emperor dies, their total is the same. Is it time to look at life in totality? 

Contentment

Soon it will be 10 years since I started this blog. Although updating it consistently has not been my greatest strength, I persisted and did not give it up. The journey during these 10 years has been a concoction of  bittersweet experiences from my Ph. D pursuit to assimilating to academia. These past 10 years have been pivotal comparing to the preceding 13 years. Looking back, I can confidently say that it is the best decade that marked the beginning of learning about my SELF and life.

I did not realize that I was not living until I experience what living means. I left my comfort zone not knowing that I was actually escaping. The context changed but the content was the same. I was the corrosive content that was burning inside. I could be in the Himalayas but would see the mountains as obstruction instead of peace and tranquility. 

The Himalayas within me is calling me to appreciate the sights of the colorful birds and yellow butterflies foraging the foliage along the riverside walking trail. Before, the chirping of the birds was noise because I was unconscious and not accepting their nature.The silver lining of minimal human contact in this "nature always wins" era is I am entering into the sensuous existence to feel the Whole that has always been there.   

 

A Little Too Late

The advent of technology has changed our lives in so many ways. Medical advancement has prolonged and saved lives. Diseases such as tuberculosis, measles, small pox that were synonymous with death are contained because of medical advancement. So is human population. Such an irony now that human lives are diminishing on an accelerated pace because medical emergency is overwhelmed and medical urgency has been deliberately slowed down.

The fragility of life is even more frightening now. I thought I was well stocked with my favorite delights in my freezer to find out the defrost timer is semi-working as ice is forming underneath. The freezer is the most valuable possession at home right now and if it breaks down, that will be my food pandemic. I felt empty after knowing it. Not sure to fill that emptiness with a cry or a laugh. Why did I drive so many hours to create this stockpile when these possessions will rot anytime. I do not know when there will be a power outage, when will the defrost timer give up its life, and if it could be repaired, when will the repairman attend to it during this weird time? Why did I not think of that before hoarding? All these questions are beckoning me a little too late!

Greed deters all these questions from surfacing in my quest to satisfy my desires. I have unconsciously created a new baggage to carry on my shoulders. The message to me is to be content with what is already there and be thankful to have the grocery stores nearby. Millions are hungry. A little too late in this realization but better late than never!

Strangers Unite

In the wake of this pandemic, we reached out to our next-door neighbors to exchange contact numbers to look after each other's back. We have been neighbors by SIGHT for 4 long years. Our communication did not go beyond numerous eye contacts and smiles whenever we met each other while driving out of our garage. So near and yet so far. Separated by walls and distanced by silence.

Once a upon a time, we used to share luxury items such as a phone line, a television, a refrigerator. There wasn't my space, your space. Our space was communal. We were pockets of communes. We waited eagerly for the next episode of sitcom or soap opera. We laughed and cried together. We were socially compassionate.

We are in the state of asphyxia. The most potent carrier of any disease is the air that we need to be alive. A misstep by any self-serving individuals will put this existential space at the verge of human fatalities. We are all canaries in the coalmine. We must consciously relearn the language of the universe. We need to rise to the level of sharing and caring. Our young neighbor knocked on our door to check if he could mow our lawn since he was already on the job. This was momentous. This was graciousness.

Choices

Pandemic...Delusion or Reality? Humans are truly unique creatures. In the face of this worldwide adversity threatening lives and supplies, some still refuse to SEE. Exacerbating this blindness is the magnification of untruth in the most contentious manner that some really think that everything is fine. Everyday behaviors should continue. This is just a passing flu and will find another host in no time! It is so infuriating to listen to this puerile tirade of utter flimflam.

While the dire effects of this pandemic hit straight to the heart of conscientious folks who step up to contribute to their community in every possible way. Doubling up their efforts to heightened creativity of making fabric masks for the frontline people whose own life is at stake. Bounded by duty and dedication to public service, they are working relentlessly. Good samaritans are illuminating what humanity ought to be; sharing and caring and leaning on one another regardless of race, religion, ethnicity. demographic, geography, country, education etc. 

Our journey on mother earth has consistently been showing us to live meaningfully. At best, if we cannot help, don't create more problems. Stay indoors and count our blessings!

Hello iSpring

Nature stays true to its course. Winter ebbs away. Spring beckons with the lushness foliage. Birds echo in their wilderness and getting ready to migrate to their spring homes. People start spring cleaning to welcome the much anticipated summer. Then, comes fall...and winter...and spring again.

The first spring of a new decade begins with a reckoning of inner and outer chaos. A costly reminder of systemic greed that can destroy humankind if we continue sleeping and abusing any living organisms on earth. The reality has hit upon us experiencing the different facets of humanity. We are witnessing conscientiousness and devotion of citizens crying for equipment and fighting against time to save lives. At the same time, some of us are becoming practitioners of patience tolerating recalcitrant human-pests foraging for nectar to feed their ego in this corrosive catastrophe.

This spring calls for deep learning to power our inner growth. It calls for contemplation that all living organisms have a sacred space on earth. Regardless if they have four legs, two legs or no legs, we must value life and let live to the best we can. The taken for granted human contact is now a potential carrier that would exacerbate the virus spread. Nobody knows when socialization will become harmless again. It is going to be a long and painful journey of getting there. The silver lining is we have excess time to reconnect with ourselves. Reading nourishes the mind. Cooking spurs creativity. Exercising houses the body. Watching perfects our world...Hello iSpring!

Enough

“Don’t judge a book by its cover!” Unfortunately, it is the visible reference that we have overtly exploited while trying to make our acquaintance with strangers, connectivity with objects or selection of groceries. An ugly fruit with valuable nutrients may still obstruct our desire to try it. Similarly, acquainting with others takes careful and deliberate nurturing in a conducive space to make it to be a deeper connection. Indeed a recent research shows that it takes approximately 200 hours of quality time together to reach the stage of close connection.

Time is a limited resource that it alone should illuminate our priorities and our directions. Essentially, people whom we are with, do shape our inclinations of life. Is it to exist and fulfill painfully embedded obligations? Or is it to live and to overcome the forces in the periphery effortlessly? When do we decide "enough is enough?"

I did.

I was subject to bullying with uncalled for criticisms and unfounded judgments. These occurred serially and blatantly. An ancient Chinese proverb goes something like “hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me”, but three times is going too far! This is when the inner me says, enough.

The gravity of all the assaults was nefarious but I was willing to let them go until the last straw broke the camel’s back. I chose to be accommodating because I valued the relationship. Humanity continues to live on the assumption that smallness is weakness forgetting the mighty gaj (elephant) fell to the tiny ant.

Relating

Meeting new people and being comfortable with them is a skill which I am slowly and surely developing. These past seven years have forced me to come out of my withdrawn self and to meet and engage individuals from three continents. Relating with individuals is so different in France from America, even more different in China and Borneo! I have to adjust according to the local cultural values and priorities, the status of the individual, the context in which we were relating, the expectations both parties had and most of all the need to make the other comfortable.

As a student, I found relating to peers very challenging as most were much younger and as such had a completely different approach to life than I did. As a mother, I have to host a series of cognitive disparities in our random discussion topics about friends, fashion, beauty, education, technology etc. with a malleable teenager.

Endurance is the breath to harmonize the conversations before remorseful eruptions would occur. Patience is the antidote to the mind that this phase is ephemeral and like everything else, this too will pass. Communing with my small coterie of intimate friends is heartily virtual. Life has brought us to different places and assigned us different responsibilities and priorities but we have not lost our common values of caring and sharing. Indeed, it is the connection of the hearts rather than a case of logorrhea.  

Relating with people is actually a purposeful affair. It requires careful articulation. Being sensitive to the other/s is particularly necessary to relate meaningfully. After all, time is a scarce resource. I am learning to use it wisely. Be it a thought or a talk.

Being Normal

My greatest challenge is to be normal in a social setting. Most of the times I am just quiet. I am not a storyteller but am slowly changing. I realized many many years ago the importance of storytelling. Relating with people is about meaningful conversations. It hurt deeply when one accused me of not being able to converse and concluded that I would not be able to teach! It irked me that they felt posited to judge me.

It puzzled me as to how happy I become when listening to other people's stories. But it did not help in my growth of relating with other people. Stories keep conversations going. Stories help to elucidate who you are to people. Stories enhance inter-personal exchange of experiences. Traveling cultivates storytelling skills. It is an avenue whereby you meet strangers with no strings attached and will start you telling them your stories!

I resolve to master the art of communicating effectively while keeping intact my true self without over indulgence in conversations.  I know that I am fully capable of conveying, expressing, directing, explaining and engaging the many that come to me and emerge the storyteller in me. I have much to share!

Trusting Oneself

A new day has dawned for me. Four years of academic rigor and living out of a suitcase in 3 continents: America, Europe and Asia, I have finally completed my terminal degree and landed my dream job of teaching in a small university in a rural part of the country. The journey has been both trans-formative and challenging.

I learned to trust myself and with it the Universe. Having to perform tasks I had no idea would be required was at times mind boggling. There is so much about writing a doctoral dissertation. I had to learn from scratch. Stayed locked in for weeks reading literature written by those that came before me was daunting.

Then came the need to move from France to China to complete  a field research and required meeting industry professionals to seek their support in identifying gatekeepers and organizations that were to become 6 case studies. Having completed all this in record breaking 9 months, a huge blow was delivered when the French jury found my work too applied for their taste! They did not bother to note that this had to be the approach as my research was funded by the European Commission via the Marie Curie Foundation which explicitly required me to investigate European companies entering China's environmental protection sector.

My trust in the Universe paid dividends when I was offered a new full scholarship to complete my degree at an Australian university! As if this was not challenging enough, my efforts at securing a full time teaching position in the town I now call home and having recused myself from other offers some distance away, required even more trust. I can now feel the blessings of the Universe and remain grateful for all the help, guidance, support and love I have received from the many that were sent to lift and see me to the shore.

Learning to Teach

I sat as a silent observer for this fall semester. Teaching requires emotional intelligence to integrate young adults embedded by traditional experiences as a result of differences in cultural background into one wholesome family. They have different world views. Thus, different forms of interpretation due to personal and social biases. Let alone, the interpretation of the true value of education.

This semester, I saw how this one big family has transformed and changed universally because of the strategy used in teaching. It was a pull strategy, to push them upwards to greater challenges. It means inculcating the values of self-discipline and self-respect into each and every endeavor they undertake, beginning from being seated in class a few minutes before it starts. It means empowering them to stand up and speak out about their research assignments and to share their knowledge with their peers. It means to care that they learn qualitatively. It entails tremendous fortitude to want to succeed in learning.

I am in awe of the professor. He is merciless and relentless in conveying the essence of learning in every session. He reinforces it consistently. I saw the pay-offs! The students transformed indeed. It is a true story. I am inspired by them. I saw enthusiastic voluntarism, pride and eagerness to share knowledge. Fear of speaking to a class became history. In fact, it develops into confidence. I saw creativity through presentations on out of course materials. The amount of laughter and knowledge we gained from these presentations is out of this world. Seriously, would anyone be motivated to do things without being rewarded? How often do we want or feel like indulging in creative work for ourselves? Creativity requires tremendous efforts which few are willing to make.

This brings me back to my favorite quote: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."  The students' mind is constantly challenged to a quick realization that "I don't know much!" Just by this realization, we can either fan our inner flame to deepen our knowledge or let it dissipate and compromise our potential to be a better learned human being while traversing our journey on this earth.

Paradox

In a recent presentation to a class of college seniors, I was asked: "Why did you choose teaching as a profession?" On an informal occasion that had occurred earlier, I was caught in a debate: "How can you teach when you do not converse?" How should I make out the latter question? I just wanted to eat shit and die! 

I am at the final stage of my PhD and am resolved to apply exclusively for teaching positions. I want to teach. A few years ago, I decided to pivot my life toward learning and knowledge building. I had quit industry three years ago and started my academic life.

Overnight, I let go of my work-identity which defined who I was by colleagues, friends or strangers. The identity that created and consumed conversations. The identity that is so onerous and unreal. Honestly, how often have we used our identity, earned or borrowed, to drive conversations these days? Little regard to whether the conversation are reckless or mindful, so long as we are onymous.

I am enjoying being an anonymous person in an unfamiliar context which would become familiar soon. I am a mother, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a student, a researcher, and yet I am not all these. Who then, am I?

This question either intrigues or annoys conversationalists. The former would likely explore me to the abyss and the latter would probably crucify me to confession. Coming back to: Why did you choose teaching as a profession? An extract of my teaching philosophy is reproduced below:

"A teacher is a committed learner and understands that when it comes to learning, there is no finishing line. Teachers must be able to embed this understanding in their teaching to stir the intellect. I strive to reawaken and stimulate students to think about the meaning and the true value of education."

I told the class: "I strive to pay back what I have learned from my own education and global experience to make a difference which can change and transform students’ lives." 

My own life has been just that...TRANSFORMED BY A GREAT TEACHER!

The Outsider

My journey has brought me to another abode, a place of lush greenery and the cohort is mostly indigenous people of various cultures fitting into a common socio-cultural identity. Their lifestyle choices are limited to the economic opportunities bestowed upon them. The surviving class is the lesser educated performing menial jobs that yield little disposable income which does not go beyond the basic necessities. A lot of time is spent in transportation because timeliness is not a pride to behold by the service providers. The public should wait endlessly and helplessly at the mercy of the disorganized and dysfunctional transport company that has no social responsibility and respect for the people.

I am the outsider feeling for this surviving class. I experienced the lackadaisical transportation system and the indifferent attitude of the commuters. They have been immunized by the socio-cultural conditions and have accepted the low level of living i.e. wasting time is a norm. Little is done to empower the surviving class. It has limited education and thus no avenue to prosper inspirationally, let alone financially. Its economic life is a constant line of survival. It is the underdog that does not have any chance to redeem a better quality life that should be deservedly theirs.

As an outsider living in  their community, I feel the hollow deprivation and despondent stemming from lack of economic choices. Much has been taken for granted by us in the developed world. Good irrigation and sewage system, clean streets, pristine rivers, life conveniences emanate from a well developed infrastructure and a service oriented society. I feel the inconveniences and immense injustices of why should they be succumbed to such a standard of living. Like the community I have to live with it. It is temporal. This perception fuels my desire to develop myself to the fullest because I have economic choices. Unlike the community, the people are constrained and discontentedly content. Not going with the flow will be contentious. This is poverty to me because human capabilities remain undeveloped and left to wither in the wilderness. The flame of the human spirit is subdued in the landscape. 

Solitude

I feel the abyss of aloneness when contemplation seeps in. It is nauseous-like and I start asking myself why am I so daunted? I am used to aloneness. My environment breeds aloneness. My lifestyle subscribes to aloneness. My social network is a necessity to relate to people and does not compensate for aloneness Aloneness has always been my life journey.

Just these few days, I came to a halt at the bus-stop of aloneness. I felt the intensity and started to rationalize. We are used to be alone-less with the constant flow of distractions of various means. Our family and friends make up the nucleus of our being. We juggle between them and seek solace when we are afflicted with pain and setbacks in life. The cycle goes on.

Solitude is not loneliness. It is a soliloquy that emerges as positive and constructive for our mental state. It winnows our thoughts to regain perspective. It rejuvenates our being and makes us feel wholesome and alive. It permeates our web of distractions and challenges to decelerate our daily life that is dictated by regimented schedules.

As we reflect in solitude, we will feel the peace and appreciate the deep silence that rises to calm our mind. It is threshold towards a sustaining and rewarding relating with our true inner friend.

Language of the Universe

The events of 2015 have been eventful. I have celebrated and witnessed the few Chinese traditions from Spring Festival in February, Dragon Boat Festival in June to the 7th month Ghost Festival between August and September. The mid-Autumn Festival is just round the corner on September 27. The sweetest part is that I have experienced them in different cities of the world. After being devoid of such celebrations for decades, I have been wheeled back to the region of my motherland.

My life in 2015 has been intrinsically experiential and mindfully challenging. In the language of the mind, I would want to climb to the pole of destruction and never would want to land on my feet. I would want to be suspended and let life stop. Let all the blessed good that have happened be buried by the series of blows of one major setback. But this mind therapy is ineffectual.

Change is such a powerful phenomenon. We can either embrace it and be open to uncertainty or evade it and remain unchanged. Change is a hidden spice to add flavor to our life. It forces us to accept the reality as it is and move on and reconnect with the "what is"now! The "what is" now comprises of decisions followed by actions that encompass the execution of the change. Evading change is like asking time to stand still while we continue to be self-consumed in the pseudo reality that things are still the same. How much time would have been wasted in this impasse?  

As I grow older in number, I realize that time is truly sacred and it is speeding by. I choose to do my best meaningfully and be prepared for the worst. There is no time to be a hapless victim of circumstances. The language of the Universe is such that if we want something so badly, it will conspire and help us to the very end. Fear and fretfulness are stemmed out from insecurity and leaving our comfort zone. Each step further from our comfort zone, is one step closer to the Universe.