Know, Say, Do

When one reaches contemplation, then awareness is born.  Without awareness, we are in sleeping mode and indulging in unnecessary chats that could have misleading and destructive impact on ourselves and others.

Once we know our inner-self in depth, comfort talking will cease. We will contemplate fully before any utterance.  We will speak less and contemplate more.  The more we contemplate the lesser the necessity to speak the greater the silence.  The state of silence is to be our own witness. 

We are conscious about the significance of our thoughts and their translation into words and actions. We think twice before we  indulge in generalizations and continue to think and speak untruth and believe so firmly in it. Consequently, we keep navigating the misery map. 

I realized I was sliding down the untruth path until I became aware of how it had become the center of my thoughts.  How I blocked out reality and living in delusion became second nature. I am thankful that my awareness helps me to come out of this vicious cycle and now working on preventing one human being from being caught in the same wheel.

"Silence can be louder than words" it has often been proclaimed. Silence can be on the outside while inner chatter continues. I am striving towards both and the more difficult is to be silent inside. All kinds of thought and discussion continue in the mind even when we are alone. I am trying to be at peace with myself and learning to watch my thoughts more and engage them less.

Security

There are two facets of security. The tangibles that are attached to objects derived from career, social status, family, house, car and more. The intangibles are less obvious but could surface in a person's demeanor such as attitude, sensitivity, perception, outlook, and much more. 

We feel secure because our future is determined by the net future value of our current possessions. We feel secure because when we grow old, our family is there to take care of us and send us home. We feel secure because when we go home, there is enough left to take care of our remaining family.

I have been thinking about me, family, and security. How do I think? How do I act? How do I feel? What do I do? Who are in my plans? Who am I answerable to? How do I decide? What motivate me? Who cause me misery and pain? Who give me happiness? Who stop me from my dreams? What are my fears? What make me insecure? 

As a matter of fact, looking back, I have always been thinking and acting alone intuitively. Some lessons were painful because time was wasted and growth stifled. Caused pain to loved ones for sure, but the consequences of failure and pain were mine alone. Sitting with pain without trying to fix it, is a mind challenging affair and can be an emotional nuisance. Hiding and avoiding is a preferred choice.

Having said that, at least I have experienced the realization that courage is not the absence of fear of failure and pain. Courage is the freedom to live the good and bad experiences and move on. Courage is not hinged on the family posture. Fear is. Honestly, what is fear? Fear is a social hypothesis of a calculated outcome based on perceptions and past experiences. In reality, we as human beings, hypothesize a great deal but yet to reach meaningful findings. Just because we do not act! 

To answer my self-probing questions, truly, I am my own unique package of dreams, happiness, sadness, misery, security, motivation, fear, and pain. Only when I am securely fastened within, no other tangibles can be a threat to me. No one else is accountable for my own package of being. I am. Not family, not career, not my possessions. I can decide either to nest in the security of the thick clouds or be free to ride on the rainbow of colors into the unknown. 

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place." - Nora Roberts

A Board and a Chair on Wheels

Pain is the best teacher. So is travel. In pain, we learn in silence. In travel, we learn by direct observations. We create our own opportunity to interact with strangers. We learn that strangers are not as intimidating as what we think they are. We are more bold in actions abroad when home. We let loose naturally. We are not so self-conscious about making mistakes. We compare a lot. The phenomenon is the same as when we are intoxicated. Everything is pleasant and real. When we become sober, it is a time of introspection when the differences of both worlds become obvious.

I was in a sardine-packed train and the screeching noise was discrediting the service of the in-built passenger announcements that notifies the arrival of the train at each station. Then the herd started to spread out in unison and slowly a stream of music amplified the carriage I was in. To my relief, it deafened the noise immediately. But it was short-lived by the reality in front of my eyes. The gap that sandwiched the crowd was a horizontal man on a board with wheels. He was surfing on his arms with two lifeless legs being dragged on the floor. He was coping to balance himself with the music recorder on one hand and a fist-sized bowl on the other. He was earning his living. I was too timid and fearful to look at him directly. Shamelessly, neither did I contribute to his rice bowl.

What I saw then was creativity and the determination to live. Instead of wriggling through like a snail or be lifted like an emperor, in order to survive he has no choice but to improvise. To survive means to create functions that facilitate the means of earning. This resulted in the board on wheels. While a board on wheels is synonymous to recreation in the developed world, it is a utility for the disadvantaged. The disadvantaged  either give up or are determined to cross the threshold to live. They defy their harsh circumstances fraught with immense inconveniences. I saw another who looked very tired and simply gave up. Passed by him twice on different occasions. He was motionless and asleep in the sultry summer. His empty bowl was next to his tireless and sun-baked body. He did not care if he would have enough to sustain his broken body but it was apparent that he did not have the zeal to drag himself further to a better slumber. A stark contrast of the will to live between the two of them.

Travel is our third eye which heightens our sight to gain a deeper understanding of the other world which we hear and read about, but have not experienced it ourselves. The experiences that I encountered with the disadvantaged (there were numerous) reinforce my realization that there is always someone worse off than ourselves. A half-paralyzed person on a wheelchair is seemed to be more privileged than a half-paralyzed person on a board with wheels. A person with bad shoes is more privileged than a person with no feet. A healthy person has the liberty to choose to use a board on wheels standing vertically or lying horizontally anytime. But a underprivileged disadvantaged has no choice. It is a permanent fixture. We tend to lose our sense of appreciation toward things we already have and grieve about our own living conditions. If we pause a bit and think, "what have we done to be given a full body of life?" Nothing actually.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

Having it All

"Life is not a career." This quote is so poignant. Work is a necessary evil to keep us economically sound. It facilitates a social avenue of exchange. It validates us of who we are in the society. It drives us to become who we want to be. We focus relentlessly on our work because it provides the financial means to acquire and indulge in the better things in life. Our mind does not know more than what we can see in the societal background.

The cost to the better things in life is a burial of our true SELF. I made work my life. I became rooted into the etiquette of work. In other words, I was purely existing and not living. Living means creativity. It means to contribute and add value to our life. Health is life. Eating well, keep fit, thinking positive are the value- added ways to enhance our well-being. I lived as if I was immortal and all hell would break loose if I departed from my lifestyle then.

I created substantial hazards out of  that lifestyle and this made me realize that I am another perishable. I finally discontinued that lifestyle. I reckoned spending time with myself is a very thoughtful act for my SELF. Languishing in an infertile environment will not bring new harvest. So I started my journey of living in trust. The mind will create doubt. It is unconventional to let go of what we perceive as the better things in life. Attachments, materialism and indulgences are the mind's tricks to keep us away from embarking into the unknown. It takes a little bit of awareness to know that life is not all of these. Life is dynamic and fluid. If only we surrender to life. Life is the change that we fear to be connected with. This is where trust comes in. Surrender is the key to having it all!

Less is More

We have lived our lives with the idea that "more is better." But this is an illusion, a phantasma. We feel that the more things we have, the happier we will be. We are always wanting a larger home, a bigger car. We accumulate what we already have and continue to acquire new things or newer version of the same thing. We don't seem to be able to handle empty space very well. As soon as it is available, hoarding takes over. We are hoarding our most valuable space with possessions.

We are fighting for time, and wish we had more, and in the process never have enough. We seek more friends and contacts effortlessly via social media with the assumption that a greater network will give us more security, more warmth. We make our lives complicated finding things to do to remain occupied as doing nothing is considered negative and seldom pause to reflect if what we are 'doing' is part of our nature.

I reflected upon myself using these indicators: house; friends; tasks; time; and food. Why these? Because they are the necessary conditions for us to exist and co-exist with others. My home now consists of only the bare essentials to live comfortably. No fixture belongs to me. I live with what I am given and included a few necessities that add value and convenience to my daily living. My friends are not in close proximity. As a result, I am very much by myself. No functions, no appointments, no telephone conversations, no involvement with whatsoever and whoever to occupy my time. The best part is I have all the time to focus on myself and I am loving every bit of it. In other words, I am living with myself and I am my own manager of time.

I love and enjoy food. My eating habit has changed a great deal due to a gastroesophagael acid reflux that compels me to eat lesser but more frequently. In the early days of suffering, I had to note down every single food that I ate and strike it off my list of permissible food. Today, I choose my groceries selectively and avoid any kind of food that is deemed to be unhealthy. Eating is enjoying. Only gratifying the tongue will upset our overall well being.

Pilates is an exercise that I endeavor daily. It is meditation for me. It allows me to shift my mind to my breath as I engage in my body movement. It is a form of living the NOW and not let the mind stray to the past and future thoughts. I reckon if I can live in the NOW in 30 minutes of Pilates, gradually the NOW will manifest naturally in whatever I do. It is my methodology to live in the NOW and it works for me. So is one hour of power walking along the riverside nearby my home.

Having less does not mean a lower quality of life. In truth, we gain quality in terms of time, space and contentment. Our heart is not burdened by the affairs of others for the less we know the better it is for us. Our eyes are not sore by the sight of the clutter surrounding us. Our time does not need to be shared in fruitless conversations. We have to realize that except us, no one else is truly interested in us. To live a life according to the precepts of the world of conditions is as good as walking in shackles outside the prison cell. We will not move forward as we will always need to return to our own prison of comfort. The choice is ours.

Gratitude: The Only Prayer

A deep thought, nay a realization, makes me sit up in deep remorse. Why am I so ungrateful? What is gratitude? Why is it so difficult to manifest it in our daily life? In the English language, it means "feelings of thankfulness and appreciation". I relate better with the description of gratitude in the Pali language, katannuta. Kata means that which has been done, especially to oneself, and annuta means knowing or recognizing. Essentially, katannuta means 'acknowledging the benefit' that one has received. Only by recognizing the benefit that has been bestowed upon us, then can we feel it and thus be grateful to the benefactor. The key is to acknowledge the benefit that has been received by us.

Ironically, we do not even realize that life itself is a gift. Mother nature is always reminding us that we are a part of the whole. We do our part and the whole will take care of the rest. Unfortunately, our human nature keeps seeking for more. And when we receive, we forget very quickly. We never have enough. We are lower than even the dog who is more loyal and grateful than us!

There are many reasons for ingratitude but the four most significant are: not seeing a benefit as a benefit; taking benefits for granted, egotism, and forgetfulness. Our ego asserts that what we have benefited, is owed to us. Thus we do not recognized them as benefits. We take what we have received for granted and forget them easily. The cycle of ingratitude continues.

We already have so much – eyes that see, a mind that evaluates and contemplates, breath that keeps us alive, access to food, clothing and water and much that we take for granted. Yet, we do not pause to say a silent prayer to the Universe that gives us all? I am asking myself: how can I reciprocate the kindness and wonderful gifts that are continuing to shower over my ungrateful self?

Gratitude starts at home. We can be grateful to our parents by giving as much to our children as our parents gave to us. Most importantly, gratitude has to be expressed. Buddha expressed his gratitude to the Bodhi tree that sheltered him. We can share our love, our positiveness, our fortune, our happiness, our prayer, our wisdom with people, with animals, with rocks, with the oceans. Seeing the beauty in all that is before us and not pick on trivia that does not jive with us. A gratitude expressed by sharing with others is a way to repay to the Universe for all the we have.

One special thought hit me: I can be grateful by improving myself everyday. I must do all I can to grow and rise to the highest I am capable of. I must live in gratitude constantly. The quote below is more than two thousand years old and is still so true:

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.” – Buddha

Changing Selfishly

Many years ago, I turned down a job offer because I chose to cling to my old job and was asked by the prospective employer "are you afraid of change?" I chortled about his comment and did not delve much into it. I know of one, who is my old me. Had the opportunity but chose to remain stuck.

Three major changes have occurred in my life. The first change was based on naivety. It was built upon a hope that the pasture is always greener the other side. Over the years, my hope did not become a verdure. The second change came when I realized that if I continued to live by the conventional and traditional societal expectations, my growth would be stalled. The third change was pivotal because it was necessary for the sake of another human being.

In the days when life was permeated with anguish and dissatisfaction, a lot was at stake if I chose selfishly. Not only that, I did not see myself embracing the consequences and having the courage to move forward. A new paint in my life would have the context of scariness and possibly followed by a self-inflicted uncertainty. The economics of change were not to my benefit and would be a demise for others. I preferred to drink vapid tea.

Truly, who is responsible for my happiness? Or rather who is responsible for my life? I was struck with these questions with a convergent answer that came many years later. I am responsible. I started to view "selfish" and "change" constructively. I need to have first before I can give. I need to have love first before I can love. I need to be happy first before I can make others happy. I did everything opposite. I began to reverse my course of happiness and work to fill my emptiness

Changes are hidden opportunities that might not surface unless the first step forward is taken. What took me so long to embrace change? What were inhibiting me from change? It was me of course and my lack of trust that the Universe is bigger than my own world. If I take the first step, the Universe will lead the way.

Change is now welcome to me. I accept change. I have changed my life: my name, my place of abode, my profession, my friends, my attitude, my persona, my dressing, my mind, my prejudices, my attachments, my passions and compassions. I am no more the same!

Being Happy

I was a seeker of happiness because I was miserable. Nothing made me happy. All I did was to go through the daily motion of responsibilities and hoping that something would happen to make me happy. When it did happen, it lasted for a while. I kept looking out from different windows waiting for the star of happiness to shine upon me.

Needless to say, I did not find it because it does not exist as a lost and found item! The treasure of happiness has always been inside me. I was too wrapped up in my unhappiness burrito blanket to be able to see my own bad habit was to be unhappy.  

As I start changing, reflecting and living a more meaningful life, I am beginning to relate with these words "Happiness stems from the heart. It is not manifested from the external". I decided to be happy and not to follow any theory or textbooks to tell me what happiness is. It requires alertness to remain in a happy state for it is easy to fall. Furthermore, I am not to delegate my happiness to someone else. It is my responsibility to live my life in a way that will bring me happiness. So what is it?

Loving and respecting the self has opened my eyes to appreciate the wonders of life and to live deeply. It is very true that if I enjoy what I am doing, the act becomes a joy. As long as I am happy in whatever I am doing, the pursuit becomes meaningful.

" The best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed"

Happiness is to know when to let go when the heart is wrenched and the hands are full. It is to enjoy the subtle solitude and fill it with gold mist. Happiness is the freedom to do what I want to do and be happy with it. It is to persist and persevere relentlessly against the odds.. To be happy is simply to be happy, be loving, be grateful, live fully and celebrate constantly.

A New Dawn

I am learning to live everyday anew and cast away the past of yesterdays. They serve no purpose to me other than adding an extra voice and baggage to my everyday living.  Past has to be dropped, otherwise the newness of the presence cannot be consummated into my being.

The ailment of our mind is to let the past convey dead messages that prevents us from moving forward. The mind is the master of registry that convene all our past and store them in a memory container. It is the reinforcement center to clarify doubts and justify our actions.

The past insulates our being from emerging. And yet, we love to apply past experiences to resolve our confronted issues everyday. Nothing is new. Not the people whom we know. Not the situations that we face. Not the trees and flowers that we pass by everyday. Not the chirping of the birds we hear in the morning. We regard them as if they have never changed in form and action. In reality, changes occur every moment. Moments are unique because they never recur.

The past does not uplift and add value to our life. To live in the past is to live in the mind. Our narrow mind is our little world. We often forget about the bigger world and constrain our capabilities to what we think we can do, and still not doing it. We magnify our problems based on our little world and forget about the magnitude of sufferings in the bigger world. I am one of them.

My new beginning entails living in awe and enrichment. I want to feel more and think less. First, I need to demolish built-in ideas about myself, others and situations. There is no need for ready made answer for everything. That is being defensive and robotic. Second, I need to "just be". Let myself be and let others be! Third, I want to relax in the fragrance of the moment. Grasp the moment and live to the fullest!