When I examined the choices I made, that led me to be where I am today, I wondered how and why I made those decisions. I did not have an answer for a few of my major life's decisions but only knew then that my unspoken beloved heart must be freed. Challenging the mind is futile because the mind always has an answer to every doubt which is basically a hypothesis. It will remain untrue due to its speculative nature. Without experimentation, it is only a mental foreplay. How unsavory is that?
The stakes of my major decisions were high. It entailed losing security, inflicting pain and agony, dismantling bond permanently, inducing logistical inconveniences, confronting discomfort zone, just to name a few. From these experiences, I realize the cruciality of listening to my inner voice. It is a sacred vacuum that deserves undivided attention. It serves as a balanced score card. It alerts me if I am suffering immensely due to the state of non-awareness. It is pure. It wants the best for me. It wants me to live life as it should be lived. Sufferings are inevitable. I am the only one who has the authority to either cling on to it or let it go. I can allow either energy to reside within me. Thus far, I realize that I am unafraid of uncertainty. I realize that life is not a punctuation. At any moment, things can change. In any form of adversity, it is only a temporary question mark. As long as I continue to trust and enjoy my current state of being, the future will unfold in front of me.
Having realized that, I also asked myself frequently why all my decisions were so drastic? What was the impetus that pushed me to the extreme? My latest decision to quit my job was a case that I was suffering morning, noon and night. So were/are the rest in the same company. For me, it peaked to a point that enough was enough. Why I could not continue to suffer? Why I could not close one eye and shut the other? Why I could not resume to be a working zombie for the sake of financial security? Why would I let go of my untouchable status within the organization? Isn't suffering better than nothing? At least I would have a talking point with colleagues and friends.
There is a limit to everything including patience and suffering. I have compromised myself too many times. Each time, people learned that I could be exploited because I compromised. I was too nice! There is no need to help exploiters even though they are kind. This vicious cycle has no limits. To live in a compromised state is to be disrespectful to myself. Now I realize that my self-respect championed all my decisions. This is because I refuse to exist even for a single moment in compromise. Only I can put a stop to it. Only I can discontinue my suffering by doing something. Life is not meant to be a suffering. I should rejoice with life. Et voilà, what a discovery!
