Self Awareness

We cannot see ourselves. Our sensory organs allow us to connect only outwards. With the eyes we see outwards, with the eyes we hear outwards, with the mouth we speak outwards.

I am told that we can see inwards and hear inwards too. I am working hard to see myself and hear myself.  This is quite a challenge.  It is so hard to debate with logic and rationalization. We will never win the mind.

Our mind makes use of our eyes and ears to interpret in our own terms what we see and hear, although the reality could be something else, if we only care to pause. Until we can rupture the mind, it will consume us.  In the face of adversity, our veil of blindness encrypted by stubbornness prevents us from seeing what is.

Naturally, I have those fighting moments.  I feel unjustly treated, I feel annoyed, I feel I am always right,  and I have done my utmost.  I only see from my point of view although it takes two hands to clap.  My latest moment of truth disgusted me and caused me to repel ferociously.

I reacted so strongly with the words I heard and decided it was it, without any regard to the other.  I became mute and deaf.  The words were not a representation of who I am.  I was shattered.  I debated and the words made no sense at all. I became more furious.

But not in any moment did I want to confront myself, why I should I be overwhelmed by words?  How could words destroy me?  How could I be willing to lose a wonderful communion by merely these words?  It was easier to be defensive.  It was easier to be miserable. It was easier to justify.  It was easier to remain in my state than to step out of it.

In retrospect, I have always been conclusive.  I will crucify a wrongful deed and ignore all the good deeds that have befallen in the course of time.  I am not forgiving.  I am not gracious.  In fact, I become hard and difficult when I am knocked out by words.  

I cannot imagine if the other had allowed me to continue to sulk and behave the way I did, I would have lost a valuable relationship. And most importantly a valuable life changing lesson.  Notwithstanding that my life will  fall short, and I was willing to shortchange my life just because of those words.  That is utter stupidity.  And stupidity is not me at all.  I let my false self - my ego overcome me.    

I have had the same encounter countless times.  It kept on repeating and all I knew was to react.  It became a vicious cycle and I became a hawk preying on a victim.  But never once was anyone capable of showing me, beyond my mind.

Again, I am counting my blessings and am indeed blessed to have a truthful friend.  A friend who values me and values our friendship and who cares to uplift me.  It is a challenge and I promised my friend, I will look within and peel the layers of deceit that have no residence in me.  The outside is beyond me but the inside is within me and I can work on how I respond!