I was so tempted to respond to the one sided citations on the floor. But I fought my mind to mind its own business. Be silent and just watched.
The honey coated discussions eventually led to a rosy end, was anything but a magic wand that awakened me to the reality of life. I realize that I have become a slave to my team unknowingly.
I saw clearly what it was all about. It was expected of me to pickup the left overs for every mouth that could not take more than the spoonful being fed.
I am the menu planner to ensure that their appetite is not waning. I feel like I am the spirit that makes things work but other higher celestial beings are reaping the fruits of my labor.
This was how self-absorbed I became after the workshop. It was not that I was despondent for praises and recognitions for my efforts and contributions. When the accolades went astray to executive management, I watched my sandbag ego being punched by a pair of wrong hands. I felt my anger and discontentment uprising. But like a sandbag, I regained my form. The lies sit in between the real and the false. (不真实 bu zhen shi)
I will learn and adjust my course. I have to live in reality but at the same time, not to let other people´s delusion bring me down to their pathetic human level. There is no way out to avoid the daily evils in life and the only way is to go into my inner self and ask, "Do I want to live my life to be bothered by the multitude of idiosyncrasies of the world? How do I want my mind to be occupied?" I have decided to learn to count my blessings and be responsive to gratitude. Until I know what my blessings are, I will never learn what gratitude is. If I do not know what I already have, how can I ever learn how to appreciate my things and let alone, human beings?
True happiness is not to be found in form. It is felt in absolute silence.
