Alive

Regret as a noun means "sadness associated with some wrong done or some disappointment."  As a verb it means "feeling sad about the loss or absence of."  A few years ago I came across this adage "I would rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not." 

It penetrated my thoughts and feelings in a way that I did my own bloodwork to evaluate whether I was flowing or drifting away from the essence of life.  All I knew was that I did not want to live my life to realize during an "aha" moment that I was living like an ignorant farmer who did not make use of any opportunity to harness the crops to let them bloom.  

Life is to be lived in the present tense because it is from this very basis that life starts. Just like any word or sentence, it has neither meaning nor value until an experience occurs. It is easy to take life for granted because it is given to us without any effort on our part.  

I realize that the only experience that cannot be taken away from me is to live now in its entirety.  I acknowledge that I have always been where my mind wanted me to be.  I was constantly making use of  present stuations to extrapolate into scenerios that might or might not take place in the future. It worsened my state of being because I lost myself there and never returned to where I was!  The truth then crystalized.  I prefered to live in the future constructed by my mind than to live in the reality which entails challenging the real occurrences. 

I feel I am living now.  I am enjoying the living process instead of simply executing  tasks and responsibilities unmindfully.  I am savoring every moment to learn to know myself.  I sift the gravestones to recreate my path.  I learn to drop the small stuff and let it be swept away like fallen leaves.  

I am constantly reminding myself to live mindfully and to be an experiement in life's greatest mystery.

Let Go

We have often mistaken letting go as synonymous to giving up.  However, when we explore deeper into the phenomenon, it takes inner courage, strength, and a great amount of emancipation to let go.  It is a pursuit of the consciousness to choose, to face and to accept the wholeness as it is.  

The doctrine of more as a barometer of achievement and possessions has been inculcated into our value system at a very young age.  Life has thus become an ongoing concern and a constant race of accumulation without a finishing line.  We jump across each hurdle to pick up our possessions without realizing that we have encumbered ourselves with a heavy backpack that has become so attached to pull it off the shoulder.

My strength is my ability to let go of possessions.  I have kept my possessions to the minimum, or at least I avoid the add-on and coupon syndrome.  I keep fresh perishables in the fridge that are consumed and replaced quickly.  My personal detachment from people including those close is a blessing bestowed on me.  I walk my path freely and create my own foot print effortlessly.  I am my own follower. 

My weakness is my painful learning process to let go of situations that arise at work. I do become so obsessive and let the issues totally consume me that I become entrapped in the mine field.  People can be  irritating and they usually are.  Things will go wrong and they inevitably will.  Situations are unfair and that can happen.   Biasedness exists and it always has.  Idiots are dumb and they have to be.  I learn to let them be!

There is no greater autonomy than to go with the flow by detaching myself so as not to be buried in a self-inflicted avalanche and losing myself in the debris.  I realize that nothing is really worth the pursuit other than to remain true to myself.  I keep trying!

Highs and Lows

Drink less, eat healthy, learn something new, get fit, lose weight, get out of debt, quit smoking, spend more time with family, enjoy life, get organized, help others.....the popular resolutions that help to jump start our new year on a high mode.

We make resolutions to resolve issues that have been impeding us from moving forward and prevent us from being the better person that we think we should be. Our intentions are valid but seldom come to fruition. We are creating phantasms.

We make resolutions and hoard them at the same time.  It takes the same amount of time to make and forget them.  The end result is that we refresh the list and perhaps add more to it, as each new year begins. 

Then why make them?

I have stopped making resolutions exactly for this reason. I have decided to do nothing but allow things to be done.

As the wise sages have said - "Wu Wei" (無為) - action through inaction.  I have hence chosen to allow, accept and go with the flow.

Easy

For twenty one days, I was observing the other.  I invited the other in every aspect of decision making.  Sometimes, the other took the responsibility but most times, the ball was thrown at my feet!  The other´s logic was pretty easy.  Authority and decision making go hand in hand.

The mind of the other has developed to become selectively convenient when it comes to decision making.  Activities that involve physical skills and pleasant vision are thumbs up.  Activies that require contemplation and work, are simply too much to ask for, from the intellect.  

I asked myself, is laziness a modern generation syndrome? Is advanced technology a curse to our intellectual being?  Is it our nature to take the easy way out?  Is there a prescribed antidote to reverse the situation?

My other forced me to contemplate on laziness.  How disrespectful we are to mother nature that gives us a mind and how little we spend time with our mind in creative activies.  Creativity entails exploration away from our comfort seeking behavior.  Exploration is not to succumb to defeat but let perseverence be the shield till we cross the threshold. 

I reminded the other of the countless gratifying excuses for intellectual procrastination, probably to no avail.  I have set the stage for this, and it is now up to the other to rise.

Just me

We all have our aspirations, our ideals, our desires. We want to become someone special, someone unique, someone extraordinary, someone flawless. In the midst of becoming someone, we have forgotten about our "self".  This reminded me of a tale about a cat and through this I learned a deep lesson. 

A samurai, came home tired after the whole day’s fight in the battle field. Just as he was about to fall into a slumber, he was disturbed by a ferocious rat in his room.  He drew his sword at the rat, trying so very hard to hit the rat but to no avail.  He reached the point of fear, and perspired profusely.  Then, he was reminded by his wife of his foolishness to use the sword, instead of using their warrior´s cat.

They became hopeful and confident to get rid of the rat, but to their dismay, their warrior´s cat who was very trained and skilfull in catching rats, was also frightened by the rat and ran far away.  They and the warrior started to believe that this was no ordinary rat.

Then the king’s cat was called. She was a master cat, very well-known all over the country; of course, she was the king’s cat - well trained and very capable.  The king’s cat came and she too was defeated by the rat.  She went in, tried hard, used all her knowledge, but the rat was just too much.

Then the king’s cat suggested a cat she knew who was not famous at all.  ”You have tried with famous cats, now you try with an ordinary one... just ordinary, plain ordinary.”  The warrior said, ”But what can a plain, ordinary cat do?”

The king’s cat said, ”You just try. I know this cat.  She is so ordinary, she does not know a thing.  The whole day she sleeps.  But there is one thing about her:this cats knows that she is very mysterious.  The mysterious thing is that she knows nothing about rats, rat-catching, the art, the technique, the methodology, the philosophy – she knows nothing; she has never been to any school or college or university.  She is a plain, ordinary cat, but rats are so afraid of her!

The cat was brought, and the samurai was not very hopeful because she was really very ordinary, just like any vagabond cat. She came in, and without any effort she simply went in, caught hold of the rat and brought it out. She was asked, ”What is your art?” And she said, ”I don’t know any art. I am a cat! Is not that enough?”

Wow! This is my realization. I am ordinary and being ordinary is enough! I am me and that is all I need to be.  Follow your nature . Do not be someone you are not. A rose does not want to be tulip, neither does a bird want to be a lion. I have come a long way to discover myself.  My nature is kind, honest, caring, sharing and loving.  I accept my nature and I let it dictate my course in life. Life is to live and to go with the flow.  To live is to accept the whole, i.e. the  sun and the rain.

Water does not fight to flow upwards.  Oceans do not reject rivers. A dog cannot be muted to bark. You are universal - do not belong to just one place, yet you have your inbuilt nature which was nurtured by your mom.  Just as the lotus blossoms in dirty swamp water- it does not try to escape.  It connects with mother nature to grow and bloom. I am connected with my mystic nature of an ordinary being.  I am just me.

Penny´s Pocket

I was browsing through a sales catalogue featuring sets of pots and pans at half the normal retail price, and today is the last day to exercise the purchase!  The cloud of temptation to own a pedigree brand with insurmountable product quality at an affordable price, was simply irresistible.

It was time to draw my procrastination curtain to review my window of needs intensely.  The stony factor that deterred me most from the purchase was the thought of my funds being filtered into another´s pocket, too unwisely.  In addition to it, my to do list would increase by one extra chore i.e. the need to find space in my petite kitchen.

The scarcity of space and funds goes hand in hand and works very well with my current situation.  Why would I want to trade off my funds in exchange for fixtures that require my time (another scarce commodity) to allocate a space?  It would be so senseless to deplete my funds and burden myself to work around the clutter.  How would the ownership make a difference in my cooking needs?  What would be my opportunity cost to tamper with my bank account in order to give my kitchen a cosmetic uplift?

I took my friend Math´s advice and disposed the entire catalogue of great savings  into the recycle bag.  I threw away Penny´s pocket. I put on my apron  and started the cooking process with my utility pan instead of visualizing my 10 piece set.  I enjoyed every bit of the cooking experience and the aroma that penetrated the kitchen was such a joy to inhale.

Just as I sat down to write, I bumped into an old article on the possibility of living simply yet enjoying in abundance.

I was so touched by the divine guidance of the essay that reinforced me - the decision was not mine.  It was the greater Universe at play reminding me that I am only a small particle floating in the vastness. 

The insignificance of me is the element that I am effacing.

Fall

As I was pushing my shopping trolley walking across the alley towards the aisle that caught my interest, she uttered "I would suggest you get out of my way." I said " You too"!   I was expecting a hit on my back but it must have been so soft that I felt an overwhelming lightness and comfort.

I thought I was rude to react. 

I thought I participated in her idiocy.

I thought I was pulling myself down to her worldly level.

I thought naught.
I stood up for me.

I did not fall.

There have been countless times I was torn between fighting against the unpleasant situation and allowing the subject to continue to be. 

Now, I refuse to let others undermine me and make me to become a resentful and vindictive persona. This is so because I am responsible for my own actions and right actions will come when I am in-tune with who I am.   I am not allowing stupidity to kill my soul. 

In the split of a second, there was no time to think of how to respond to unwarranted nastiness from a stranger, but simply "You too" was subtle enough to blow the encounter away from my mind and move forward.

My life is too beautiful to be tainted by uneventful experiences and let them occupy my space and corrupt my inner peace of preciousness. 

Spent

Many knocks, I stumbled

One door opens

Behind me all closed

You are the ocean
Never refuses a river
I am the river
Running home

The essence of life is love
Blessed
The beloved
Grateful
The lover

Open
Live
Bloom

Collaspe into breathlenssness
Drift into slumber
One entwined

Wordless

I know I have this immense capacity to write beautifully but this knowing cripples me into wordless state just like a picture can depict a thousand words.

This is so because I need to find the right chemistry of words.  I need to relate an experience using the optimal choice of words to kick off each blog.  I am not a perfectionist in any sense but now I feel I am a perfectionist in words.

My heart was skipping when I saw flashing lights whirling incessantly on my rear view mirror.  Just because he was in uniform.  I was not fearful of him but I was fearful of his uniform of authority. 

I sobbed and pleaded with all my might for mercy but the tears were just not enough to dissolve the ink on his well documented book of duty.  I am now an offender of record.  

Misery crept in and lingered in and out the whole day while I juggled rather well between work situation and people. My realization seeped in slowly to face the offence and the offender.  It was a painful experience and a consequence of a non-awareness state of being. 

The irony was, I was pondering a lot about "what is" during my morning journey and I finally got the message crisply but not in this unglamarous way.  But it is not all about what I want it to be.  What I want it to be is not in tune with what is.  What I want is a disparity between delusion and the true reality.

I let the dwelling subside and let my folly erupt into laughter within me.

Trick or Treat

Dining alone is a matter of perspective and context. I have experienced this in Shanghai where it is a norm to dine alone.  The seating arrangement caters for single diners.  The servers welcome their patrons wholeheartedly with impartiality. 

Single diners have no time to be self-conscious and dwell on the loneliness of eating in a restaurant crowded with people and laughter.  Their goal is to eat and leave happily without having to worry of the next chore of cleaning up the dishes.

It is not a big deal to eat alone at all, because everyone does it.  Everyone is very accommodating. Sharing a table with strangers is just as natural as the fallen leaves from the trees. No one notices and no one makes an issue out of it.  Peace and harmony permeate.

Last night, I dined alone in an Italian restaurant.  I was the only single diner in a fine restaurant with 80 seats. As I walked in, my mind had already tricked me to ask so timidly and condescendingly, if there was a table for one. To make it worse, I added that I would just eat and go.

In introspect, I was behaving as if I was coming to a place to ask for free food when the reality was, I was simply giving myself a treat. I just had had to portray in my mind, my single intrusion and self-invitation to the restaurant although the usher was more than welcoming and walked me to my table and passing by many seated tables with dignity.

All the servers were very nice and friendly to me.  Each of them came and asked me, if I liked my food, if I needed anything else to complement my food. My server made sure that I was comfortable sitting in a cozy corner with a bird's eye view of all diners. 

She brought me more than enough Parmesan cheese for 10 servings of pasta.  She checked if I would like coffee or dessert.  All in all, she ensured that I had a delightful dining experience of which I did!

The difference between dining alone in Shanghai and where I am now is the  the emergence of one's self-consciousness when one is not in the mainstream of society. The norm dictates the comfort zone and stimulates the mind into thoughts of negativity and bewilderment. The mind is too weak to accept changes. 

My experience proved my mind otherwise.  I fitted just like everyone else in the room.  I enjoyed my superb dinner in my own solace in a nice ambiance.  My mind stayed calm because the reality of dining alone was not as fearful as the mind had thought to be. 

And above all else, the mind is happy as I can order whatever I fancy without any judgement or approval and only have to pay for one person!

So?

The teenager was trying to balance his head and limbs and struggling to make sure that his school bag did not fall off his shoulder.  He walked his zigzag course toward the bus-stop.  

At that moment, I felt conscience-stricken.  My physical challenges are lesser or none as compared to this young boy.  I decide when I want to walk, run or swim.  I decide how and when I want to build up my physical fitness.  I have all the time in the world to do it. There is no barrier other than my own laziness.

I started to make a mental list of what I have.  Things that I have not given them a second look, or rather felt that they were just there, just there for my disposal. My home, it is just there.  My job, it is just there.  My neighborhood conveniences, they are just there. 

It scares me to the very core to feel the depth of my ingratitude.  I fall short of appreciation.  Absolutely true!  I took some moments to truly appreciate now, where I am, what I do, what I have, what my capabilities are...and the feelings are exhilarating.  I decided to make it a constant practice to feel me instead of to fill me. Also to stop the "so what" attitude which is a self-destrucive tool that cripples my ability to see and treasure life, the way it is.

 

If the teenage boy can walk tirelessly everyday, why should I be grieving when I have to drive a straight course with many stops at the traffic lights? All the more, I would have missed life´s many great lessons which happen at unusual places!

Smart Sixteen

Perception is the mind in a malfunction state.  It is the framing of our minds that makes us see situations in our own perspectives and alienating us from the truth.  The truth can never be found superficially.  To live superficially is very easy because logic is very easy to decipher when we have all the information placed in front of us.

As we grow older our clarity to see the real should increase gradually relative to the younger generation who is more impulsive and conclusive.  Recently I have had the privilege to witness myself as a member of the older generation and had to laugh at how perceptions have warped the reality of a sixteen year old.

It is really sad to see how a sixteen year old could be so impulsive and ignorant and blame others for being ignorant. He is adamant and stick to his outrage and unpleasant words. It is even sadder when he realized that he was wrong and apologized but at the same time challenged me to bring it to the attention of a higher authority domestically. It does not require a lot of effort to start a tragedy.

This incident brings me to reflect my relating with people who are from the older generation.  How is it like for them to deal with me, the younger generation?  For I am no different from the sixteen year old, reactive, stubborn, adamant, and not letting things go?  How can I resolve the differences?  How can I make the relating friction free and abiding?  How can I see myself in their shoes?  Living superficially will definitely not allow me to find any of the answers, unless I gratify with justifications. 

The answers require a lot of contemplation.  I am still contemplating.  One answer is to listen and keep quiet! 

"no one knows you are a fool until you open your mouth and remove all doubts"

"no one says you are dumb if you keep your mouth shut".

As a result, we behave and make decisions based on our own truth that becomes so convincing that misery takes over.  And the whole vicious cycle starts and we keep rolling ourselves into the wheels. I laugh at the ignorance of the sixteen year old and at the same time the older generation laughs at my ignorance.  Life is such a bitter sweet paradox.   

Composites of life

The aggregate composite of life is to score well in all the individual factors that contribute to our lives.  The two most essential composites are eating and sleeping.  Without them there will be no continual energy to pursue the other composites that necessitate our well being. 

As I stepped out from my past and enter into my future, I realize the importance of food.  Yes, sounds stupid indeed?  We are what we eat.  Eventually we become what we eat.  Our eating habits are such that we eat to satisfy our tongue first and foremost.  Hence we have no discernment between quality and quantity.  Neither do we make distinction between eating and dining.

Our five senses collaborate during the course of our eating. Our eyes and ears alert us that we are going to eat.  The aromatic smell passes through our nose and we open our mouth and the short-lived taste passes our tongue. The process of chewing starts and this is how we eat.

Dining is an experience and  requires a deeper thought and understanding in how and what we choose to eat.  It means giving conscious respect and feeling proud. Why? Because we can only eat that much each time. Hence we must not waste the opportunity to nourish ourselves with quality food and find joy in dining.

If we can do this, we have begun our love journey with ourselves, to love and adore our body with quality and joyful nourishment.

When all is clear

When all is clear, there is no need to fight any longer with ourselves. Life becomes simple and truth becomes clear. All our grievances and imbalances are dictators which should not have any threshold in our lives.

Someone called me and asked me for two favors.  He ended up saying, "I need you and thank you".  This utterance resulted in three hours of my private time.  If I had not been clear in what I need to do and what I want and who I am, I would not have been able to execute the favors without calculating.

Yes it took three hours of my private time and yes, I have given more than enough and now more is asked from me.  Am I going to put a stop to it?  Am I going to rebel and protect to prevent further abuse? 

No, I am not, for when all is clear, I am steadfast and all executions simply flow. In fact, I should thank him.  For he gave me the chance to act on a decision that I made not too long ago. I have decided that I am not going to fill the already crowded mind with more clutter because of any incident that is going to take place in my professional and private life.

I am also aware that I must not let the utterance blow my mind and make me important and indispensable. Self-effacing is the gradual peeling of the many layers of our cumulative persona as a result of external influences and pressure that make us into our personality existence in the society. 

Where is our self?  At one point, we will stop and ask, who are we?   Why on earth are we on earth? Are we here to struggle and fight or are we here to just live. What does it take to just live?  Constant awareness of gratefulness and thankfulness  to be on this earth is very much undermined.  These two empowering words when internalized will overwhelm us gushingly and immediate transformation will envelope us.  We cannot be the same after the encounter.

Painting

A painting is like any human being, a unique masterpiece.  Each painting is never the same even if the subject is. The same painter never has the same mood when drawing out his brushes to paint a picture. Hence each one of us is extraordinary but why then do we feel lesser or greater than others?    

We place a value in each painting  and the value determines how we  treat it. If it has no intrinsic value we tend to discard it with no respect to the painter. This is happening in our daily lives.  We give an object an intrinsic value, and we act accordingly to its worth.  We cling on to higher prestige in exchange for respect and recognition. We choose to see the glory but fail to see the efforts behind it. In short, we want short cuts.

We are our own painter of life. We should rejoice in accepting different paintings as they are.  Because we need them when we travel our life's journey.  Their imperfections help us to observe how we can perfect ourselves.

Life is very dynamic and fragile for it is only one breath away.  We only know to relate life and death with the tangibles. The intangibles, e.g. our breath within us, we do not notice it. But it is the basis of both life and death.  How do we want to give life to our paintings, this depends on our level of appreciation and understanding of how each painting is so unique and extraordinary that even God is in awe.

Freedom

Upon reviewing how my life has developed, I came to a conclusion that each step was a knock on freedom's door.  Many steps were taken and I thought each step was closer but obviously it was not.  It was actually a necessary entrapment  paving the way for reaching out to the inner deepest want to be free! 

Who does not want to be free?  Free to do anything that the heart desires without slavery to the consent and opinions of others including ourselves? Our hearts channel our feelings but our intellect hammers them with logical convictions that imprison our inner harmony.

We came as a free being, hence freedom is our birthright, so to speak. But freedom comes with responsibility.  We avoid responsibility by walking on crutches and allowing the external force to take over our lives and wonder why life is less than wonderful.

The reality is freedom surrounding us.  If we want freedom we should not be afraid to be responsible.  It is as simple as it sounds. In fact all, is as simple as it is.  We think it is complicated because we simply like to perch ourselves at the edge and look at the "what if" for a long long time.

Spring

Spring symbolizes rebirth, life, growth and purity. It is a celebration of new beginnings by many
different cultures in different colors.  The Chinese celebrate spring festival (春节chunjie) in red which signifies prosperity.  Mandarin oranges are synonymous with abundance and good fortunes and are given away as gifts to relatives, friends and business associates.

The Japanese celebrate spring with pink cherry blossoms.  Because they have a short blooming time, they are symbolic of the impermanence of life. The Hindus celebrate Holi with multiple colors.  It is a time to rejoice in the liveliness and colorful spring and bid farewell to the gloomy winter.

Spring is a renewal of our physical freedom to come out from the stagnant cold winter of hibernating indoors. We are liberated physically and emotionally as nature transforms its color.  We feel a sense of rejuvenation, ready to embrace the warmness and crispness in the air. Birds and wildlife spring to life.  A brand new harvest of love is springing.  Are we ready to bud and bloom like the cherry blossoms? I know we can when we allow ourselves to live in the affirmative. Life is fragile just like the cherry blossoms!

Separation and Union

Can one be without the other?  Is separation inevitable? Is union a necessity?  I ponder on these questions and the answers require deep thought.  Nothing is eternal.  We came, so leave we must.  Hence, the ultimate realization: physical separation is only temporal.  

I have always felt alone.  A union has meant pure sharing.  But in the end, frustration creeps in when the other merely takes and takes.  This sparks the search for a spiritual union.  All religions expound this.  On this, Yoga stands above all.  I must merge with the other.  Who is this other?  How do I find this other? Many insist marriage is to the other.  It involves a sharing of lives and resources, and a union of minds and wills. They claim it is a merger of two beings in body and soul.  But to me it is merely a contract and in a way, an imprisonment.  In marriage, we become dependent.  We become attached, fearful, and insecure, for without the other we feel incomplete. We give our love and intuitively and subconsciously place all kinds of expectations we want fulfilled in life.  Soon we realize our folly – we are unfulfilled and end up manipulating emotions. 

Then, there is merger with God which often leads to delusion and belief.  It becomes a mind game and we convince ourselves that God has arrived.  My realization is that we need to merge only with our self.  The ultimate love affair is with yourself and all of your existence.

Glass of wine

A glass of wine has many intrinsic values. Just one glass is enough to taste and be contented.  It has a higher value than a  bottle because it costs more to buy wine by the glass than a bottle.  The value of appreciation is higher because the volume is scarce. Over and above that,  a glass of wine is equivalent to the cost of a bottle.

I choose to see life as a glass of wine.  Life is enough contentment.  I used to wish for miracles in the face of adversity.  I wished that miracles could change my status quo.  How stupid I was.  In reality, life is already a miracle.  We tend to wish for a basket of miracles but cannot even handle one that is with us every moment.  Every moment, we wish for something to happen the next moment.  We let the moment lapse and live always in the next moment.  The space between now and then is non-fulfillment. In short, our present is so unfulfilled that we need to live in the future. It is easier to live in the future because it is imagery.

The purpose of life is to live and die every moment.  We like to believe that we are immortals because our ego manipulates our thoughts and actions.  Our accumulation of wealth and possessions are pre-requisites to living life for a better future.  

I have decided to handle this one and only miracle well.  To embrace it and live purposefully. No longer am I a living incidental.  I live life the way I want it.  I choose my entrance and my exit.  I choose to walk into doors and not into walls.  I choose to bend myself and flow with life.  Now I am going to enjoy a glass of wine. Cheers, with love!

Igo

I invented this word igo, to replace ego.  Ego is as hard as a husk, very difficult to break. Once broken, all the fluids will discharge and it becomes empty and light. 

We are constantly offended by other people's words and actions because our ego allows it.  We are opinionated because our ego is quick to react.  We differentiate right from wrong very quickly.  But we fail to understand, these events that are taking place are only within our small minds.  We like to see things the way they should be to suit us and not the way it already is.  Hence conflict arises and the inner battle starts.

Igo means "I" disappears.  For me, the challenge is to deal with idiots around me.  "I" must let go. Idiots are an unnecessary cause of aggravation that lingers and is mailicious to our souls. Yet they provide so many opportunities for us to learn about different people.  The learning is to accept the way they are and yet not be like them.  Our minds must be greater than them.  Our actions must be harmless to our souls.  Our words must be more deliberate than them.  Our lives must be on a higher plane than them. 

Can we do it?  Break the husk and empty it.  Let all the fluids out and do not hold them hostage in the miserable hole.  Blunt our edges and let "igo" take over.